Editor's note: This article is a humor column.
Now that I have two whole semesters of experience under my belt, I have compiled a list of adventures that all students at the University should attempt in their first year. Incoming students follow a calculated template when making their posts — they share their intended major, what clubs or activities they might be interested in and, of course, that they are "thinking about rushing in the spring." While these wide-eyed incoming students dream of all those chill nights in, exploring the libraries and all the other typical suspects of activities that they claim they will spend time doing, I would like to prepare them for what they should really focus on.
Spend a day at 7 Day Jr.
When you're strolling down the Corner for the first time, you'll know you have found the hotspot when you feel the electricity of the song "Gasolina" pounding through the gates of heaven — the entrance to 7 Day Jr. This convenience store, turned Charlottesville monopoly, serves as the cornerstone of the University. Other colleges with successful basketball teams "tent" for tickets, but students at the University camp outside of 7 Day Jr.
You can even sit down for a meal at the brand new 7 Day Jr. Deli and Bar located on 14th Street. With the franchise making an unexpected reach into the food industry, one can only imagine what other industries — or parts of Grounds — it might expand into next. If you stay long enough, you might even witness the launch of a 7 Day Jr. ice cream shop or apartment complex. Personally, I will also be staking out with a sign that says "$5 TO ANYONE THAT UNENROLLS FROM STAT 2120 SO I CAN ESCAPE THE WAITLIST."
Go off the AFC high dive
Have you ever witnessed an average student, a common folk, launch themselves off the high dive at the AFC? Probably not, and there's likely a good — legal liability — reason that they only let Olympic-caliber athletes on such a hazardous structure. But personally, I don't think there is much that could go wrong with sending yourself off of a 50-foot platform with 10-foot-deep water below to break your fall. Imagine the clout you would receive as the first in line in front of the platform stairs. When you arrive on Grounds this fall, make sure to rush in line behind the diving board and take off in as many flips as you can fit in one jump. But don’t run. You’re not allowed to run at the pool.
Take the CAT
To this day, I don't know a single person who has a clue where the CAT actually goes. I have only heard there are places in Charlottesville outside of Grounds — Barracks, that plaza with the Trader Joe's and the ambiguous half-mile or so void between the Standard and the Downtown Mall that I fondly call No Man’s Land. What better place for self-reflection — maybe even a cry session — than on a bus where you know for sure you won't be spotted by any of your University characters because it is headed to the parts of Charlottesville that only exist according to legend. One of these days, I trust I will find the time to hop aboard a CAT bus in hopes that it brings me somewhere exciting. My own personal yellow brick road.
Become an intramural sports pro
They say money can't buy you happiness, but for just 15 dollars per semester, you can experience priceless exhilaration through intramural sports. The University has recently caught up with the times by streamlining its intramural sports through a system operated on an app called Fusion Play.
On this app, students can make teams, select their rosters and be jump-scared when they see they are scheduled to face an opposing team composed of their ex, their unhelpful TA and that one class friend they aren't sure if they should acknowledge in public. When you hear the word "influencer," you probably imagine a famous person on Instagram, TikTok or even YouTube. I would argue that while your post on the "uva2028bios" page could go viral and land you the perfect roommate, the Fusion Play app is where the real influencing happens at the University.
Start a secret society
Last, but certainly not least, the University presents the perfect challenge for those who love to name their friend groups and practice institutionally supported vandalism. If you enjoy drawing on public spaces, you will typically find yourself out of luck because of some nastily nit-picky vandalism laws. However, if you must produce visual art, look no further than a secret society. And if you want to broaden your horizons beyond drawing "Z" or "IMP" symbols, this is the perfect opportunity to create your own secret society. There is a simple few-step process to creating a secret society — first, choose an induction process, then, select your most qualified colleagues to join and, finally, get together and paint on some sidewalks when no one is looking. It’s time to let your inner Banksy free.
The University has endless amounts of sidequests to offer. Whether you're the adventurous, sporty or reflective type, there is a unique experience waiting to be unlocked for you somewhere around Grounds. Once you've made your way through this list, you will make the class of 2028 proud.
Read More
United States opts for roast battles, dropping traditional presidential debates
By Emma Nero | 2 days agoThe Roast Battle Federation announced that they will be holding another presidential debate Oct. 31, but this time in the form of a roast battle.
BREAKING — Weed-out courses to replace finals with “The Hunger Games” this fall
By Sneha Uppal | September 5, 2024The University will void all current syllabi and cancel all finals for weed-out courses in the fall semester. Instead, students will compete in the University's very first Hunger Games.
Vol. 1 — The tough life of being U.Va.’s Most Eligible Bachelor
By Sebastian Ghersi | August 3, 2024I’m aware that you know of me already, but for me to tell my true story, I’ll go ahead and explain the first of my scandals.
