Editor’s note: This article is a humor column.
Recent leaked footage of a new secret faculty training at the University has caused controversy on Grounds. The leaks reportedly came from a professor’s hacked OneDrive. The professor was allegedly recording the training to show his wife, another University professor who skipped the training for her millennial-mom-Thursday-bowling-nights.
Contentwise, the videos from the OneDrive began with typical reminders for faculty such as “never deny a politics bro the right to their freedom of speech even when they interrupt their fellow classmates.”
More general advice about classroom tools followed. Faculty were advised to “never learn how to use basic technology and ask your TA to do it every time.”
According to multiple professors, all of this information was fairly standard for a yearly training. However, one video took an unexpected turn when it claimed that the University was going to adopt a new teaching approach, one that would embrace the classical Greek and Roman educational principles — intimidation, inaccessibility and unhelpfulness. This would all be done while exalting the University’s name.
Bethany Brambleton, the instructor in the video, was recorded presenting at the training. In the training, she emphasized the importance of maintaining emotional distance and complete detachment from all students in order for the University to increase its ratings. She laid out a few practical ways to accomplish this.
“Punish those who ask questions by repeating it back to them seven times so that they never speak again, much less into a cube microphone they couldn’t catch,” Brambleton said. “Never put assignments and their due dates in the syllabus or on Canvas — keep ‘em on their toes. The students who can’t take it, can’t. Those whose fathers can afford private tutors and extra help may make it.”
Another instructor, Chandler Chamberlaine, expanded on Brambleton’s ideas.
“Make those who have SDAC accommodations write a 15,000 word essay so they can explain how they found the audacity to ask for extra time,” Chamberlaine said.
Brambleton concluded the instructional segment of the video by reminding faculty that any in-person classes have the potential to overpower students.
“Overall, I discourage synchronous classes and office hours,” Brambleton said. “Students shouldn’t expect us to offer them opportunities to get education simply because they’ve paid egregious amounts in tuition."
After being leaked, the videos were disseminated across Instagram, TikTok and YikYak. Many students found this attitude to be cruel and unusual and warned that this approach could exacerbate student mental health issues. They also claimed that plummeting grade averages would mean the University had fewer worthy souls to sacrifice to the capitalist machines than Virginia Tech after graduation.
“How could we stoop that low?” fourth-year College student Fafa Sah said. “Like, do we not lose to VT enough as it is?”
With these sentiments growing on social media and causing commotion within classrooms, the University recruited professors to give testimonials about the direct benefits of being unapproachable and unhelpful to students.
Edma Cation, professor in the Department of Chemistry, affirmed the University’s actions and wrote that she has stopped planning lessons and coming to the University in total.
“If the University doesn’t want me to cater to the needy, then that is fine by me. Students can just read this $230 textbook someone else has written,” Cation said. “I mean, check out that price tag! And it’s even HARDCOVER. If this isn’t quality education, I don’t know what is!”
In the economics department, some professors expressed relief to be getting this laissez-faire training experience. Professor Mystic Rabs articulated the stance of the department.
“This is capitalism at its finest,” Rabs said. “Every man, woman and child for themselves! Nothing more in the spirit of America than this!”
The only regret the administration expressed was that the situation has gotten so out of hand, with recordings of the training being posted to new Instagram stories at a rapid rate.
As for the hacker who leaked the recording, they have yet to be found. The anonymous computer science professor who’d taken the videos was outraged about the situation.
“This hacking really soured my mood,” he said. “Who would even have the motivation to hack my OneDrive like this? It’s not like I’ve made any enemies or personally screwed anyone over or anything.”
Whoever this hacker may be, they certainly remain an anonymous whistleblowing hero for the students and a threat to the University. Who knows what secrets they’ll reveal next?
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