We have officially reached the point of the semester where class attendance is becoming sparser, and late arrivals are more frequent. The cause of the uptick in latecomers may be in question, but I can think up many possible reasons for entering a lecture hall 10 minutes late. Here are some oh-so-convincing excuses for you to use if you find yourself on a late streak.
1. “I slept through my alarm.”
My alarm went off as scheduled, and I immediately turned off the obnoxiously loud ringer. I figured there was no harm in closing my eyes for two more minutes while I conjured up the strength to face the day. But before I knew it, a whole 45 minutes had passed. The realization that I would miss my favorite morning class launched me out of bed faster than any alarm ever could. I’m here — only a mere 15 minutes late — and with nothing better to say than “I slept through my alarm.”
2. “Starbucks mobile order was down.”
I was totally going to be there on time, but I needed to get my caffeine fix. The Corner Starbucks briefly disabled mobile orders, and I can’t go to class without injecting at least 150 mg of caffeine into my veins. Obviously, I had no choice but to go inside, wait in line and order in-person. What is this? The early 2000s? Being robbed of the simple pleasure of ordering my coffee without having to interact with society is bad enough. Don’t take off participation points just because I’m late with a coffee in my hand.
3. “I lost track of time in the library.”
I was sitting alone in Shannon — so mysterious and so academic. To a passerby, it definitely looked like I was hard at work on my laptop writing the next great American novel. But I was actually sorting through the latest additions to the sale section of the Anthropologie website. By the time I filtered through everything and found the perfect fall sweater to add to my cart, time had flown by. I guess I’m a monster for exercising my right to retail therapy.
4. “I took a spill on my Veo.”
I knew I was running late, so the only way I could make it to Monroe Hall in time was to hop on a Veo. After blowing through a stoplight and narrowly avoiding hitting a pedestrian in a crosswalk, karma caught up with me. Because my backpack weighs approximately 100 lbs, any sudden movement causes me to completely lose my balance. Before I knew it, I was on the ground. Besides a horrific gasp escaping from someone on the sidewalk, nobody even stopped to ask if I was okay. I suppose it’s really true — time stops for no one.
5. “I was drafting an email begging for an extension.”
Instead of making it to class on time to avoid falling behind in yet another course, I decided to craft the most compelling email explaining why I actually can’t turn in the paper I have known about all semester. When my professor inevitably replies with “No. — Sent from my iPhone,” I will realize the futility of my efforts. But for now, I will most certainly be pleading my very reasonable and very extension-worthy case instead of sitting in this lecture.
6. “I didn’t solve The New York Times Mini Crossword in 30 seconds.”
I opened the New York Times Games app ready to assert my crossword dominance, but I failed to solve it in 30 seconds or less. My day was instantly ruined, so could you really expect me to make it to class on time? To add insult to injury, I failed at both Wordle and Connections, so I won’t have any other games to play in lecture. Can you imagine how bummed the row behind me will be, now that they can’t watch me constantly switch tabs to a new distraction? You would think a girl would be given some grace during these trying times.
7. “My horoscope said Mercury is in retrograde.”
Surely you can understand that my tardiness is simply outside of my control. I can’t help that I’m a Pisces and Mercury is in retrograde. I have no idea what that means, but it is a convenient explanation for just about anything. Sorry that I forgot to turn in my project — I’m just such a Pisces. I also completely forgot about that meeting you sent me three follow-up reminders about — blame it on the moon.
8. “I was about to give my credit card information to a suspicious fundraiser on the Corner.”
When I was aggressively approached by a group “fundraising for childhood cancer” on the Corner, I couldn’t bear to ignore them. As I was taking my wallet out to donate, something began to feel off. The man was a little too eager to get my credit card number, security code and expiration date. When I realized I may be falling for the type of phishing scams I’ve warned my mom about online — but in-person — my ego took a considerable hit. I couldn’t imagine showing my face in class with that kind of embarrassment weighing me down, so of course, I dragged my feet a little extra.
9. “I fell down a WebMD rabbit hole.”
Do I have mono, chronic fatigue syndrome or whatever illness that the Facebook parent’s group keeps referring to as “Hoo Flu?” Maybe the perfect cocktail of all three? My exhaustion levels would suggest that I am a middle-aged man with three kids, but I certainly don’t have three kids, and I am neither a man nor middle-aged. If it’s any consolation, WebMD said I would probably be dead by the time I could make it to class anyway, so my attendance at all is nothing short of a miracle.
10. “I didn’t want to come in the first place.”
Enough with the excuses. Here is the raw and honest truth — I did not want to come. It was raining, and my bed had never felt more warm and comfortable. I could either listen to the raindrops fall against my window, or I could brave the elements, ruining my hair for the day, just to attend one measly class. The choice was clear — until the guilt settled in. Like the courageous student I am, I grabbed my umbrella and began the swim down the rain-filled streets of Charlottesville to class.
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