Editor’s note: This article is a humor column.
On Monday, after claims from Trump supporters that Democrats may lead an insurrection, the University announced that Resident Advisors will work with the Secret Service to help maintain order at the presidential inauguration. In early January, a group of nearly 300 RAs will be bussed to Washington D.C., where they will remain stationed until the Presidential Inauguration Jan. 20.
On Election Day, RAs were on all-staff coverage to keep the peace as votes were counted. It was later revealed by Dabney Senior Resident Andy Scombing that there were ulterior motivations behind the mandated coverage.
“The all-staff coverage on election night was clearly a test to see which RAs were fit enough to protect the democracy,” Scombing said. “After the test night, some RAs got an email today letting them know whether or not they were drafted to work with the Secret Service. Others did not. I can’t give you names of course, that’s a secret.”
While there has been initial doubt about RAs’ qualifications for collaborating with the Secret Service, the University has assured the public that RA training in conflict resolution and crisis management makes them ideal for this role.
Housing and Residence Life representative Han E. Amhome commented on the issue.
“Each summer, our Resident Advisors undergo an almost weeklong training, which many have said is more intense than the Marines’ boot camp,” Amhome said. “This equips them to handle a whole host of hectic scenarios. Plus, these are the only individuals strong enough, and desperate enough, to work for Trump.”
University alumni took to twitter in support of the decision to draft RAs into the Secret Service.
“The RAs really stepped it up this year,” said Stormy Capitol, class of 2020 alumnus. “Back when I was a student, people were banging on our doors trying to recruit us for a protest at the Capitol. Now, not a word.”
Despite RAs’ abilities to effectively manage election night, many, including third-year political science major Chad Hanging, are concerned about the upcoming inauguration.
“You just never know what could happen during the presidential inauguration,” Hanging said. “I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s some, you know, ‘behind-the-scenes tampering’ from the Democrats again. If they can mess with the votes in 2020, they can mess with them now. They might even end up leading an insurrection with their violent baby killing tendencies. Us Trump supporters could never be so violent.”
HRL is rolling out several new training modules to prepare RAs for their peacekeeping role, including “Disarming a Mob — From Pitchforks to Peace” and “Intro to Getting Elong.” RAs must complete these training sessions before heading to the Capitol in January.
With the launch of these specialized modules, the University is confident that RAs will bring their newly honed skills to Washington, prepared to diffuse tensions and foster community. Second-year RA Lovie Lafter spoke on the expertise these modules provided.
“After seeing all the friendship bracelets from Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour, I thought we could bring a Patriotic Friendship Bracelet Station to the Capitol,” Lafter said. “Maybe we could even set up an apology exchange booth or some unity yoga. The American people just need more friendship and connection right now.”
But as the University expands the scope of RA duties to include Capitol peacekeeping, some are beginning to wonder if their contributions might finally be met with actual compensation. For years, RAs have received free housing and been paid in gossip, but now whispers are swirling that this new Capitol duty could be what finally earns them a paycheck.
When asked about holding out hope for compensation, third-year RA Demo Cracie shared she has low expectations.
“I’d obviously love to get paid” states Cracie. “But as the Senior Resident always reminds us, we don’t do this job for the money. We do it to build our resumes.”
It is still unclear if this opportunity will lead to compensation for RAs. U.S. Secretary of the Treasury Cash Munny emphasized the importance of RAs serving their country.
“We prefer to think of this as a character-building opportunity, not a financial transaction,” Munny said. “After all, the chance to protect democracy is payment enough. Sure the Secret Service gets paid, but the RAs will be acting more like Secret Service interns anyways. They don’t need compensation, they should just be happy to get the experience.”
As political tensions rise across the nation, the University seems convinced that their RAs will be able to hold the line. For now, we can all rest easy knowing that, no matter how contentious the election becomes, our RAs are there — armed with mandatory kindness and a Costco-sized tub of calming tea bags.
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