Editor's note: This article is a humor column.
Wednesday, the University announced a new partnership with U.Va. Marriage Pact to introduce a “Ring by Spring” program to lessen the prevalence of promiscuity on Grounds. After witnessing immature behavior from students during the Spring 2024 semester — mostly first years — Gov. Oldkin’s Board of Visitors proposed the initiative, citing immorality and an influx of crying in non-academic spaces as reasons for the program.
The Board found inspiration from other highly esteemed educational institutions like Liberty University and Brigham Young University which are attended by religious students who often aim to get married in college. After a turbulent semester for the University, where political division has occasionally broken up the student body, the Board hopes the program can literally unify students across these differences. Till death do them part!
Dougie D. Dryless, a member of the Board, spoke on his reasons for supporting the program, particularly concerning female undergraduate students.
“We believe these brats need to spend less time crying over a man who looks like he had to negotiate for his place on Earth and more time crying over their career prospects,” Dryless said.
In a recording of a Board meeting leaked to the public, Board member Paula E. Womanning weighed ideas for the potential legal enforcement of the program, which has yet to be officially announced.
“We are currently debating having the University Police Department arrest and place temporary ankle monitors on repeat situationship offenders, particularly those running around in public holding hands. It reminds me too much of my ex-wife before she ran off with her tennis instructor,” Womanning said.
The new program will take a similar shape to the academic Engagements pathways. Instead of the quarter-long classes on the pillars of empiricism, ethics, differences and aesthetics, students will choose their literal level of engagement.
Using quantitative and qualitative data, incoming students will be placed on either the Ring by Spring track or remain single until graduation on the Single Income No Kids, also known as SINK, track. Analysts at U.Va. Marriage Pact anticipate a third of the Class of 2029 to opt for the Ring by Spring track, marrying off an estimated 1400 students.
The program will start at the University application level on the Common Application, with the University now requiring an “Emotional Intelligence Value Test.” Scenarios will include choosing the best pick-up line to use, how to handle having someone like you a LOT more than you like them and navigating the art of the soft-ghost.
The results will then be plotted onto a Wedding Bell Curve, with students on the highest and lowest ranges of said curve having a higher chance of admission to the University.
After University admissions makes their picks, U.Va. Marriage Pact will then handle the data, creating student profiles and using a black market algorithm from Serbia to create matches. A rate of 56 percent compatibility will be required to finalize a match, with factors like intended major and topics of their supplemental essays taken into account.
U.Va. Marriage Pact Algorithm Manager Q. Pitt expressed his excitement at the unprecedented level of institutional support that this initiative has received.
“In our discussions with President Ryan, he emphatically agreed with us that students’ love lives do NOT count as extracurriculars. They should always be last-ditch additions to the ‘experience’ portion of one’s resume,” Pitt said.
When Pitt was asked about how U.Va. Marriage Pact’s algorithm will create successful life-long matches based on more than application similarities, he waffled.
“Uhh, put the Republicans with the Republicans and keep any women who report being ‘cat people’ on a blacklist,” Pitt said.
The administration and U.Va. Marriage Pact aim to have the program implemented for the Class of 2029. U.Va. Marriage Pact explained the impact of this decision in a statement emailed to students.
“U.Va. students are asked to be great AND good. We think that’s cool and all, but we’d much rather them be romantics AND willing to commit to a relationship. Or little hermits on the SINK edge of the Bell Curve who live in the walls of Clem 1 and shower as if they’re paying the University’s water bill,” Pitt said.
The Cavalier Daily did learn, however, that the Emotional Intelligence test will not be required of students applying into the School of Engineering and Applied Science. The Office of Undergraduate Admissions spokesman, Lemmey Inn, explained the decision, saying the test would be unnecessary for these unmarriageable students.
“Requiring these applicants to take the test would show an extreme overestimation of those students’ abilities to feel emotions,” Inn said.
Following the announcement, shockwaves went through many Charlottesville organizations and businesses, with Mincer’s announcing a new class ring option that doubles as an engagement ring. Competition between the University Chapel, St. Thomas Aquinas University Parish and St. Paul’s Memorial Church is rumored to be heating up as they plan to compete for wedding bookings through 2040.
Most of the student body has been in uproar, with Contracted Independent Organizations like Men’s Club Rowing, Virginia Alpine Ski and Snowboard Team and Club Swim creating petitions to block the initiative. The previously mentioned are known for their incestuous practices, with Club Swim creating so-called ‘Swamilies’ of co-ed swimmers and Men’s Club Rowing known for trying to shove men in teeny boats.
However, the sentiment is not completely shared. Organizations like Chi Alpha, the Jefferson Society and the Yellow Journal have applauded the program, noting that it will help remove romantic obstacles for their members.
In between annotating chapters of the Old Testament, Mira Cole, Chi Alpha Bible study leader, commented on the program.
“It’s time to restore the real meaning of the V in U.Va.,” Cole said.
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