Editor’s note: This column was written under a pseudonym to preserve the author’s anonymity.
One’s ill-equipped entry into the realm of sexual “Dos and Don’ts” in college brings about a range of questions. When should my hand move to the southern hemisphere? Will I still get lucky in my granny panties? Am I big enough for a Trojan Magnum XL?
Thankfully, the answers to these questions should arise after your first or second time — for instance, when the weenie only packs half of that extra large condom. But there’s one dirty dilemma that plagues us time and time again: what — should — that mouth do?
The language of dirty talk doesn’t come easily. When I first became sexually active, I quickly realized that lusty lingo wasn’t part of my native tongue. Right when it was time to lock in and put out, I didn’t make sexy sounds, nor did I utter promiscuous whispers. Instead, I remained silent while questions filled my mind. What should I say? How should I say it? Who is to listen?
I’m sure many of you have had similar experiences in the bedroom, wondering what to say, if anything, while you’re winding and grinding away. The last thing I want is for you to keep facing the same flustered fate. Fear not — this column will assume the role of the Duolingo owl to foster your fluency in sultry slang. By the end, you’ll know exactly how to communicate your deepest desires during a breathy silence. Don’t be shy — let’s get moaning.
To inform this discussion, I’ve collected data from the experts — University frat brothers. Yup, those Bed Frame Bassists, Couch Connoisseurs and self-proclaimed Oracles of the O. These 29 brothers of a frat that shall not be named eagerly responded to a survey about their noise preferences in bed.
Starting at the tip of the peni — I mean iceberg, 65.5 percent of survey participants said that vocal feedback during sex turns them on and assures them of the quality of their performance, while a mere 3.4 percent said it makes them uncomfortable. 55.2 percent reported that dirty dialect “significantly” enhances their sexual experiences, and the remaining 44.8 percent said “slightly.”
These results skew in favor of dialogue during intercourse, whether it’s sexy narration, playful teasing or constructive feedback. However, a significant portion of survey respondents are less inclined to talk, so rest assured that the world keeps spinning — ahem, that the disco stick keeps dancing — if you prefer to put on a silent production of Open Legs, Closed Mouth.
Now, who do these boys feel comfortable hooting and howling with? 34.5 percent of survey participants indicated that they would feel comfortable delivering a seductive soliloquy to a one night stand. Personally, I think the hot-and-unbothered nature of a spontaneous hookup would provide the perfect environment to take your spicy script for a test drive.
On the contrary, 41.4 percent prefer to be somewhat acquainted with their partner, perhaps within the more intimate dynamic of a steady, but casual, relationship. The excess 24.1 percent prefer only to dabble — or babble — with a long-term, committed significant other.
That’s cute and all, but we’re not finished yet. The survey would not have been complete without addressing the most controversial element of dirty talk — the D-word. Yep, that one. The infamous zaddy-adjacent.
27.6 percent of our participant pool hears “daddy” and yearns for more, while 20.7 percent condemned the D-word as a non-negotiable no-no. Per my expert opinion, I reckon that this latter group will eventually turn to the Dark Side as time — and lube — wear on their bedsheets. The remaining 51.7 percent of survey participants feel that the term of endearment is “situationally acceptable.” In other words, read the room — or backseat, no judgment here — to figure out if some daddy talk would enhance the erotic ambiance.
I do believe that using the D-word is something everyone must try at least once. But if you're not ready to full-send a “f–k me, daddy,” there are many tried-and-true alternatives for when you want to give credit where credit is due. I’d recommend putting out a “nice thrust” or a “those hips don’t lie.” Or, you can use my personal favorite: “Can we get a sweet treat after this?”
Chances are, your partner is just as anxious as you are about entering the territory of spoken sex. It’s terrifying to allow someone to get to know your body in its most vulnerable state, and it’s even more terrifying to be explicit about how to stimulate it in the naked moment.
If this is you, never fear. My advice is to think of dirty talk as playful and communicative — it is not a pressurized performance, and it’s almost never as serious as it feels in the moment. Make yourself comfortable, get creative and try new things! Silly is the new sexy.
Remember, displaying confidence with your own sexual preferences fosters an environment of open communication and mutual respect. Expressing yourself in bed allows you to claim control over your relationship with sex and explore what gets your juices flowing.
Still, the ambiguity of the survey results speaks to how there’s no right or wrong answer to “what that mouth do?” Whether you decide to call your partner “daddy” or forego audioplay for a snatched and silent Mew, know that there is a way for you to get down any way you want to.
Congratulations! You’re now at least somewhat well-versed in the native tongue of Nast. The next time your sneaky link, lover or frat party frenemy asks, “What that mouth do?” you can simply reply:
“Nothing, if you don’t pick up this bar tab.”
Rent is due, motherf—r.
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