Editor’s note: This article is a humor column.
Dear Advice Columnist Tara Pitz,
My name is Olive, and I am a first-year Engineering student. When I’m not busy learning how to construct bridges or using my courseload to fuel my superiority complex, I find myself increasingly worried about the sustainability of ordering food through Grubhub. After the University added meal swipes to Subway, the hours-long lines have me questioning if I should have placed my sandwich order when I submitted my University application. To make matters worse, I’ve heard rumors of food theft.
The problem is, Grubhub is my go-to when Newcomb, O’Hill or Runk just isn’t cutting it — which happens multiple times a day. How can I avoid the long lines and prevent my food from getting stolen?
Sincerely,
Olive Eten
Dear Olive,
First off, I just want to empathize with you, and let you know that you are not alone. Other first-years, third-years and even 25 year-old mortgage-paying fifth-years have all approached me voicing similar complaints. Buying food on Grubhub is a cornerstone of our time at the University, and it is a struggle when the ordering process does not unfold smoothly. To that end, I have compiled three completely reasonable and ethical tips to help you combat the issues you are facing.
Bribe the workers
The University won’t address those atrociously long lines at Subway — you must take matters into your own hands. Next time, before your finger hits the purple “I’m here” button, slide the worker behind the counter a bill. It could be a one, a five, a 10, a Monopoly 10 — you see, the sum itself doesn’t matter, as you’d likely still be giving them a better wage than the University administration does. And if you’re wondering whether bribery is actually enough, just throw in a “thank-you” for good measure. This simple phrase has become a rarity at dining spots across Grounds. Most dining workers are so unaccustomed to genuine appreciation from University students that they’ll bend over backwards to help you, either from gratitude or as a reflex from dodging angry students shouting “hurry up.”
If anyone tries to steal your food, BLACKMAIL THEM!
Unfortunately, those cases of food theft you’ve been hearing about are more than just rumors. The Honor Committee always says the biggest sign of our Community of Trust is that you can leave your backpack anywhere, but good luck leaving your Grubhub order out in the open. The University has tried to respond to this problem with food lock boxes at select locations around Grounds, but most of the places students frequent still don’t have them installed. Whatever are we to do? Well, next time you see a petty thief swiping your order — stop and pull out your phone. Follow them throughout the day and snap incriminating photos of them in compromising situations, such as refilling their drink at the Subway dispensary or checking in at Chick-fil-A while in Gilmer. Your food may be gone, but you have the ideal blackmail to use at your convenience. Your personal henchman will now deliver all your orders and guard your food from any future theft. They are subject to your will forever. Remember, in the spirit of the Honor Code’s principles, blackmail is only unethical if you get caught.
Cry it out…
Grubhub annoyances are definitely frustrating when you have numerous exams, projects and papers to deal with. I know you’ve been hoping for increased support on Grounds to help manage stress, as we all have. Although, who needs more mental health resources on college campuses when deleting Instagram or YikYak will solve all our problems? But until this happens, I suggest an alternative — crying hysterically. While this can’t actually solve your academic issues — trust me, I’ve tried — it evokes a surprising amount of alarm in those around you. All you need to do is fall to your knees in front of the food counter, arms outstretched to the dim fluorescent lights, with tears streaming down your face, repeating the phrase “Why, God, why?” Sure, you’ll have to go through a few seconds of public humiliation, but by default, you’ll become the first in line. At this point, you can even “accidentally” grab someone else’s order, too. Don’t worry about whether this would be seen as an Honor Code violation — if anything does happen, you can send your previous blackmail victim to the guillotine in your place.
Okay, I know what you must be thinking at this point. Bribery and blackmail are “technically” felonies in Virginia. However, I urge you to think long-term — only 32 more and you could be elected to the highest political office in the country. And if you’re hesitant about emotional manipulation, rest easy knowing you can just invalidate people’s feelings of betrayal by calling them a snowflake. All of this advice has also been endorsed by the Honor Committee. Good luck — I hope you find great success with your future Grubhub endeavors.
Sincerely,
Tara Pitz
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