Editor’s note: This column was written under a pseudonym to preserve the author’s anonymity.
Picture this — you and your partner have just wandered back to your double-occupancy bedroom after an eventful night on the town. You are both feeling pretty good, and shark week ended yesterday, so the timing couldn’t be better. All signs are pointing to a sleepless night spent experimenting in new positions until your hips are sore from the grind. But opening the door to your bedroom, you encounter the ever-present hiccup to hooking up — your roommate.
This moment requires pure mastery of the most delicate art known to horny college students — “the sexile.” We’ve all had to sexile a roommate, either repeatedly with a significant other or sporadically with the occasional hookup. Alas, the sexile is difficult to master, even for the most experienced of us. Whether we squeamishly ask our roommate to leave the room, or we yield to the sexile-induced guilt and forfeit sex altogether, sexiling never seems to get easier.
I suffered this fate myself a few weekends ago when my long-distance boyfriend came to visit. After nearly two months of not seeing each other, the need for release — in the most literal sense — was imperative. Outside my room, we started to let our hands wander, and our kisses grew more intense. But when we opened the door, we came face-to-face with my roommate sitting at her vanity, plucking away at her eyebrows.
At that moment, I couldn’t bear the embarrassment of blatantly telling her, “I need the room for sex.” I solemnly looked at my partner and shook my head, letting him know that we would have to hold off.
After denying myself a pleasure-filled night to spare my roommate, I found myself thinking about how college students haven’t established a standard procedure for sexiling. There is no easy way to broach the subject of the sexile with your roommate, nor a universal code word that subs for brashly saying, “Beat it, it’s sexy time!” So, what’s the fix?
The occasional sexile isn’t much of an inconvenience, but it’s still important to show gratitude to an evicted roommate. Using the sexile as an opportunity for mutual benefit can make a world of a difference in how you feel about sexiling — and being sexiled.
The solution, therefore, requires a mindset shift — thinking about sexiling less as a one-sided favor and more as a healthy exchange with your roommate.
Reciprocity is key here. In the name of fairness, follow up every sexile with a counter-offer. Got the room for a couple hours Thursday night? Then fork it over for the same amount of time Friday night so your roommate can have their own guest over. This exchange will make your roommate more comfortable being sexiled, as they know they will get something from you in return.
You can also get creative with how you reciprocate, especially if your roommate doesn’t have a partner themselves. My roommate and I now have a deal going where I’ll drive her to all of her classes the next day if I need the room for some extended hanky panky. Alternatively, you can buy your roommate their favorite Ben & Jerry’s pint at Croads, or you can leave them a thoughtful, silly thank-you note. These efforts show appreciation, but they’re also just an excuse to do something nice for your roommate.
Just as reciprocity after a sexile is common courtesy, so is setting boundaries. You should recognize that hey, maybe exhausting the Kama Sutra, or asking for the room five nights a week, isn’t very considerate to your roommate. You may have to shelve some “sexcapades” for a future weekend, and that isn’t all bad — it gives you something to look forward to.
To truly master the sexile, it is important to only kick out your roommate on occasion. If you only sexile your roommate every once in a while, you’ll have the leverage to ask for privacy when the lust is just too strong to be contained. Using the sexile at a middling frequency offers other benefits, too — it’s mindful of your roommate’s needs, and it’ll encourage you to spend more nonsexual quality time with your partner.
Now, how should you ask your roommate to get out so you can get down? I have a couple suggestions — and I think they’re a little better than a sock on the door.
Take a few moments with your roommate to establish a distinct knock that’ll signal you’re outside with your partner and eager to shake the sheets. My roommate and I have opted for a single-double-single knocking pattern to sound the alarm.
It’s most courteous, though, to give your roommate advance notice so that they are prepared to leave the room. For this, use a method that’s both discrete and playful — like sending an invisible ink text message. When your roommate taps on those scattered dots to reveal a text that reads, “room pls,” they’ll chuckle and understand that it’s time to pack a bag and move out. This method is as silly as it is shameless, and it’s worked beautifully in my experience.
I believe that everyone is entitled to fun, consensual sex. In college, we simply must adapt our sex habits to be mindful of our roommates. A good sexile routine is all about common courtesy and good communication. If you adopt these practices, I think you’ll find yourself cultivating a healthier relationship with your roommate and having more carefree sex with your partner.
So folks, don’t forgo your next d—k appointment out of fear of the sexile. Approach this sacred college ritual with a newfound confidence, because we all deserve to get down and dirty in peace.
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