Editor’s note: This article is a humor column.
This Monday, the University’s dining services announced their intention to expand upon their groundbreaking series of holiday themed dinners for the Spring 2025 semester after the success of Runk’s “Oktoberfest.” The new program was planned out by the illustrious Student Dining Advisory Board — a collaboration with the Student Council that is more selective than the McIntire School of Commerce — and will be a once in a lifetime experience.
In accordance with all other University giveaways, like the Athletics Department’s thousands of free t-shirts or the Housing and Residence Life’s free self-care bags, these dinners will also be on a first-come first-served basis, so make sure you start marking those Google Calendars. Skip out on class if you need to — your professors will totally understand when you send them a last-second, AI-generated email about how imperative this business is. Without further ado, here is the tentative list of the best Spring 2025 dinner prospects.
January 12th — New Year, New Student
As students return from break, the “New Year, New Student” dinner will help them get back in the swing of things around Grounds. With holiday classics like pork chops and black-eyed peas in a celebratorily decorated New Year’s gathering, the University brilliantly mixes culinary excellence with a cohesive response to student body requests to change the school. No need to bring a New Year's resolution to the dining hall. The University is great at telling its students everything they must do to improve the institution — on its own terms. This night-to-remember will repair the sources of student complaints by getting rid of them entirely.
To start, everyone is assigned a resolution, something which the University says is in keeping with the University’s policy of zipping your lips and throwing away the key. Since the spine-chilling email sent out in August about protests wasn’t enough, the Office of Student Affairs will be formally partnering with U.Va. Dine to make sure students never have anything more to grumble about. This introduction of the assigned resolutions, motivated by sweet treats, will encourage the decrease of outspokenness — so that students will say no evil, hear no evil and see no evil!
February 3rd — A Meal Fit For A Groundhog
With the influx of students at Gaston House’s “The Den,” the next themed dinner attempts to shift crowds from Brandon Avenue to Hereford Drive and McCormick Road. With grace and unending compassion for their employees, the University is relieving workers of rigorous meal exchanges in order to protect their ability to labor away in the dining halls. So, if you could not get enough of the all-day breakfast, then you are in luck. To combat the apparent appeal of The Den, “A Meal Fit for A Groundhog” in February will allow students to finally get a taste of an all-day brunch initiative in their very own cozy burrow — their closest dining halls!
And when the crowds get ravenous — just like at Gaston House during peak hours — students are now fully encouraged to dig into the model plates of meals at each station so they don’t have to wait in line. Don’t worry, workers will be notified that they must prepare hundreds of these meals to sit for hours beforehand. This is just the forward thinking that has made the University one of the top public universities in the nation! Certainly, this relocation will finally give the University a chance at earning the No.1 Dining Hall Food accolade alongside first in Financial Aid and Free Speech.
March 17th — St. Paddy’s Day
Many international students have struggled acclimating to the University’s very homogenous environment of predominantly white American students. In an attempt to reconcile these worries, dining services have decided to create a themed dinner that will remind those traveling far from home of their culture once again. Therefore, this initiative’s kick start will officially be a rendition of the Irish Holiday, St. Patrick’s Day!
This rendition of the traditional festival will be a huge hit at Runk when it opens next year as it will be a BYOB event — Bring Your Own Beverage before the fountain machines run out of it. Nothing is really celebratory here if it isn’t with a side of underage drinking!
April 13th — Jefferson’s Birthday Bash
The O’Hill “Jefferson’s Birthday Bash” themed dinner will be a celebration of the founder of the University, Thomas Jefferson, and all that he has done for the institution and nation. If you aren’t able to make it to the St. Paddy’s Day celebration, don’t panic — the University has strategically placed this theme only a couple of weeks away.
This is because for this dinner, leftover Irish meals from March will be reused by dining operations to limit the amount of food waste, in accordance with the Sustainable Food Collaborative. The University has agreed that Irish was a close enough representation of the founder’s English descent. So, come one and come all to Jefferson’s Birthday Bash. U.Va. Dine wants you to grab a snack or two — no more than two — and feel welcome to take part in some traditional birthday games. However, when playing pin the tail on the donkey, please do avoid sticking the tack on Jefferson’s face. The least we can do on his birthday is pretend he’s fully a good person just like the University wants us to!
We hope to see you all at the dining halls next semester. And don’t forget to stay back during the holiday breaks in order to get the full festive dining hall experience. The U.Va. Dine workers will keep you company at operational hours 8 a.m. to 9 a.m. and 4:30 p.m. to 5 p.m.!
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