Editor’s note: This article is a humor column.
Following a surprise multi-million dollar donation to the University football program, the season of giving has surfaced again. A memo leaked on Friday morning from the University detailing that the Corcoran Department of Philosophy reported a massive anonymous contribution of existential thoughts. These thoughts, along with assorted moral quandaries concerning both the problems of the 21st century as well as more timeless questions, will bolster the mission of the department, granting them a much-needed relevance boost.
University President Jim Ryan noted the rarity of the contribution in a statement released to the press on Wednesday.
“We haven’t had a donation like this since discovering multiple unused copies of John Stuart Mill’s book “On Liberty” in the basement of former fraternity house Psi Beta Theta in 2019,” Ryan said. “A non-secondhand donation is a massive improvement.”
This donation symbolizes renewed energy in philosophy and broader humanities students across major universities, coming at a crucial period as artificial intelligence and investment in science and technology remain a cultural focus. The annual number of bachelor’s degrees in humanities disciplines fell 16 percent from 2012 to 2020 according to the American Academy of Arts and Sciences, showing a lack of confidence in these fields of study.
Developments like AI and ChatGPT have damaged the perceived value of soft skills like writing, critical thinking, the average attention span — wait, I think there’s a bird over there — and interpersonal communication. This, combined with the appeal of working for a massive investment banking firm that pays for Uber and employee’s Equinox memberships, has created tough competition for humanities departments.
These donated thoughts, however, might just turn this tide. Left to the department in the form of a papyrus scroll on the steps of Cocke Hall, they almost blew away as the ridiculously heavy wooden double doors automatically opened. Professor of Religious Philosophy, G. Suz Khrist, expressed shock and intrigue at the anonymity of the donor and nature of the donation.
“No one expected something like this to appear. It’s almost reminiscent of Moses just being handed the Ten Commandments,” Khrist said.
When Khrist was asked if he could provide more relevant context for the statement that did not reference the Old Testament, he proceeded to rehearse an upcoming TED talk considering whether there was a loving God or not. He continued even when reporters for The Cavalier Daily had left the room.
Director of Undergraduate Programs Carla Marks gave some insight on the content of the donation.
“While we can’t reveal the details of the existential thoughts and moral quandaries given to us, they address many relevant questions we’re dealing with. For example, the ancient questions of whether water is wet or if a hotdog is a sandwich” Marks said.
“And of course, there’s a few less important ones on like, whether data privacy is a moral right or the implications of omnipresent media on people’s conceptions of themselves and their social lives.”
Philosophy students expressed excitement about the development, particularly those in the Distinguished Majors Program, who must examine a topic in a Senior Thesis.
“This is a game changer for my future thesis,” said Renee Daycarth, a third-year preparing to enter the program. “I was gonna have to talk about whether humans have life essences, you know, pretty boring stuff. Now I get to consider if you think about thinking, are you still thinking, or are you just thinking about thinking?”
Hoping to receive their own contributions, other departments in the College of Arts and Sciences have sent out feeler emails — most with the subject line ‘HELP: WE’RE POOR’ — to potential donors, but few have had the same luck as the Philosophy Department. Requests were reported from different programs, with Archaeology asking for “more old stuff and Medieval Studies calling for “more extra-glossy manuscripts.”
Other departments, however, do not feel the same need for donations or that their relevance has diminished in the slightest. Some actually feel their being culturally brushed aside is an advantage.
“Everyone is all over these Large Language Models and AI — they don’t realize it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to us,” English professor Frank N. Steine said. “In ten years, no one is going to know how to write an email. Students who can’t string more than three words together will keep our Writing Center running for years.”
Although the future is still uncertain for the world of the humanities, the donation to the Philosophy department is having an immediate impact. As new existential thoughts have relieved some of the existential dread on the program’s future, the College announced Cocke Hall library will now be able to remain open past four PM on weekdays. However, students will still have to clear cobwebs off of textbooks themselves.
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