Editor’s note: This article is a humor column.
With Tony Bennett’s retirement from basketball several months ago, we have entered an uncertain time in Cavalier hooping history, a very uncertain time indeed. Hype surrounding Virginia Men’s Basketball has sunk to a new, alarming low on Grounds, with many students opting to go to their evening discussion sections instead of John Paul Jones Arena. Players can be seen sulking to Pav for meal exchange Chick-Fil-A, shedding tears when their server asks how their last game went. But where did it all go wrong?
For one thing, the team isn’t doing too hot. As of this publication, Virginia men’s basketball has a tied record of 8-8, with four of those losses coming by blowout margins of at least 20 points. Our loss to Louisville on January 4th was particularly alarming — it was the first time since 2011 that the Cavaliers had lost by at least 20 points at John Paul Jones Arena.
However, pessimistic fan reactions to losses in recent years have done far more damage to the team’s image than any point deficit, creating a vicious cycle of struggling players, more losses and even more negativity. But worry not! Not all hope is lost, my dear Cavaliers. With the following three crowd-pleasing changes, interim coach Ron Sanchez could maximize positive fan engagement which will, in turn, carry Virginia to a more stable winning record and maybe, just maybe, to the lucrative, nationwide stage of the NCAA Tournament.
1. Bring back the ‘Hoo'
For the unenlightened, the ‘Hoo was an experimental Virginia mascot that attended football games for three weeks in 1983. He was an orange blob of fur dubiously similar to the 1980s arcade character Q*bert, and everybody at the University hated him. A letter to the Cavalier Daily referred to the mascot as “a bastard child born out of the incestuous relationship between the athletic department and the cash register,” and University fraternity members ripped out the ‘Hoo’s tongue during his debut at a home opener against Duke.
Despite these hostilities, Virginia football went 3-0 with the ‘Hoo on the field and lost to Maryland by 20 points within a week of his removal. That initial string of victories remains an impressive and uncharacteristic feat for Virginia. Under the watchful eyes of the ‘Hoo, Virginia football proved to be truly exceptional, so just imagine the energy that this … thing could bring to our basketball program. It would be absolutely electric.
Past violence and libel notwithstanding, I believe that our fuzzy friend’s nature as a round, orange creature would be much more palatable to fans of basketball than it was to those of football.
2. Bring the horseback rider from football games to John Paul Jones Arena
As far back as 1947, the Cavalier on horseback has been a staple of University football openers, eliciting raucous cheers from Wahoos everywhere — or at least from the 38,000 Wahoos who regularly show up to the 61,500-seat Scott Stadium. Wouldn’t it be great to see the horse circle the court of JPJ as CavMan does the worm? It’s always important to get the crowd moving early on, and what better way to accomplish that than the distinct, jarring sound of hooves on hardwood?
When it comes down to it, horses and Virginia basketball would go together like bread and butter. Most people have played HORSE on the court at least once, and it’s no coincidence that the tallest horse of all time was named Sampson. Furthermore, the clout that would result from a horseback half court shot during halftime would be legendary. It is of note that horses are known to chew wood when bored, though, so perhaps it would be best to keep the thing away from the delicate wood paneling of the court during scoring droughts.
3. Give the loudest students Group One tickets
To motivate our fans to cheer as loud as they can for the Cavaliers, the Virginia Athletics Foundation could offer incentives such as automatic Group One tickets for the noisiest students, circumventing the needlessly complicated Sabre Point lottery system. After all, why should these winning students need to take twenty minutes to enter other sporting events, get their Sabre Points and leave when they have the lung capacity of an irate howler monkey? It would be in the best interest of Cavaliers everywhere to save those precious, precious vocal cords for basketball games down the stretch.
In pursuit of this initiative, inspiration could be taken from the Los Angeles Clippers’ Intuit Dome, a stadium outfitted with advanced devices measuring crowd audio levels down to individual fans. Renovating JPJ to contain a similar feature would continue to entice fans to scream as loud as possible, reenergizing fan and player experience for the Hoos. While the Cavaliers may need to play in the AFC for a season or four, the resulting success for the program would be completely unprecedented.
Overall, any one of these simple changes could bolster the entertainment factor and overall success of the Virginia men’s basketball team. The first two could even be implemented before this season is over, provided that the athletic department didn’t burn the original ‘Hoo costume. Perhaps as time passes and fan engagement grows, hype at JPJ could soar to the lofty heights currently occupied by the Virginia Cavaliers football team.
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