We uterus-bearing, sexually-active folk are no stranger to contraceptive methods. In fact, the sky's the limit with options to protect us from … how shall I put it … the unexpected products of our sexual encounters. And in the truest sense, there is no time like the present to consider the many birth control options available to us, each with their own unique personality.
Understanding the attributes of each prevention method can be quite overwhelming. But never fear — I am here to help. As a hybrid user of four out of the six birth control methods listed below, I’m well-versed in what each option really means, and I’ll happily give you the rundown.
Disclaimer — I recommend consulting your primary care physician, or the gynecological staff at Student Health and Wellness, to determine which contraceptive device may work best for you. However, you should know that your method of choice conveys more about you than you think…
IUD: The Warrior
A friend of mine recently got an intrauterine device. After enduring the procedure, her boyfriend shot her a text that read, “You’re an IUD warrior, babe.” As an IUD “warrior” myself, this is perhaps the most accurate descriptor I’ve heard.
Those of you who have an IUD — whether copper or hormonal — are the bravest of us all, willing to persevere through the grueling, unsedated insertion and push through the searing period cramps. Through these tribulations, you maintain faith in yourself and your choices, knowing that your resilience is your greatest trait.
Like the true warrior that you are, you have a game plan laid out in front of you, and you are willing to suffer some short-term discomfort in exchange for 10 years of secure sex. Stay strong, soldier, through the fluctuating cup sizes and monthly shark week crash-outs, because you know that the 99 percent effectiveness rate is worth fighting for.
The Implant: The Bad B—h
If you have an arm implant, I am slightly terrified of you. You readily received a needle in your arm to take charge of your contraceptive needs. You are truly a hardcore b—h.
Similar to the IUD warrior, you know what your future looks like, and you are not fooling around with it. For the next three years, you can forget about birth control and boink and bang without fear of getting knocked up. You view your bionic arm as a symbol of self-empowerment, a trait that you’ll pass on to your future — planned — kids.
The Pill: The Timeless One
If you take the birth control pill, you are a classic, plain and simple. You heard the high school hubbub about “getting on the pill,” decided to give it a whirl and have taken it every day ever since. Although you may endure mood swings and weight gain, you’ve stayed on the pill for its near-perfect effectiveness — a perk you enjoy because you never miss a dose. Wink.
Needless to say, you value your routine and sometimes struggle with major changes. This is simultaneously your best and worst trait, as you stubbornly reject more progressive options, like the IUD or implant, to stay loyal to the pill. At the same time, your daily dose keeps you grounded and aware of the delicate nature of staying protected.
Condoms: The Last-Minute Nancy
Similar to the pill-taker, you found a popular method accepted by the masses. But what you love most about the condom is its instantaneous utility. Got a one-night stand? Your cost-effective insurance policy is right there in the top drawer of your nightstand — and provided in University dorms.
You are the most laid-back of contraception users, putting your faith in some disposable latex. You’ve also become a seasoned professional with pregnancy scares, as the rubber can be a bit shifty sometimes. You may even have rummaged through the Plan B stock at CVS — conveniently just around the corner — more times than you care to admit.
The Patch: The Mysterious One
If you wear the birth control patch, you like to keep ‘em guessing. When your partners see the bandage on your arm, they’re left wondering whether you practice safe sex or you’re trying to break a nicotine addiction. You enjoy having an ambiguous appearance, all the while knowing that your true motive is to prevent a sexual snafu.
With the patch, you’ve cleverly evaded both an uncomfortable IUD insertion and the tedious task of remembering to take a daily pill. Instead, you disappear into the bathroom every Sunday to stick that super-effective patch on your upper arm — or your ass, if you’re that girl.
Pulling Out: The Risk-Taker
You, my friend, live life on the edge. Pre-cum conception? You’ve never heard of it. You’d rather enjoy the momentary bliss before a masterful pull-out than concern yourself with the consequences of some sperm slippage.
Once upon a time, the “pull and pray” method made you a little uneasy. But gradually, you learned to adopt a “que será será” attitude as you awaited the monthly arrival of Aunt Flo. While this may concern your more cautious friends — because there’s a one-in-five chance you’ll get pregnant — they are secretly jealous of your nonchalance.
With that in mind, listening to the subtle criticisms of some of your closest confidants may be in your best interest …
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