Being in a committed relationship is nothing short of a highwire balancing act between the three big C’s — compromise, communication and change. Inevitably, as a relationship grows more mature, certain complex and uncomfortable issues tend to arise. For many, a repeat offender that causes these frustrating conversations is a difference in libido levels. More simply put, one partner wants more sex than the other.
Bravely, I admit that I experience this predicament firsthand. In my case, this realization felt isolating, even somewhat embarrassing to acknowledge when everyone, both in my immediate social circle and represented in most media, seems to perpetually achieve effortless compatibility in the bedroom. However, though it may be awkward to address and easy to ignore, I’ve since discovered that more long-term couples deal with intimacy gaps than one may think. Let’s get honest, real and raw — pun intended — and talk about managing a healthier relationship by balancing these differences in desire.
My partner and I have been together for just about two years. Our relationship evolved from a close platonic friendship since childhood, and it has often been a challenge to navigate intimacy knowing how deep-rooted this friendship is. Adding fuel to this fire, we began our long-distance journey only three months into dating, which caused us to have to rely on overnight trains and expensive flights in order to see each other. Needless to say, the honeymoon phase — typically defined by adventurous nights in bed and the rush of exploring intimacy with a new partner — came to an abrupt close once I moved away to college.
We have since struggled to strike an effective balance in fulfilling each of our sexual needs, instead choosing to prioritize emotional intimacy during our short visits here and there in order to compensate for the time spent apart. This situation significantly amplified the already-present issue — that my partner and I, like many, suffer from different sex drives.
To be completely transparent, it takes quite a bit of courage for me to put this out there for you to read. I, like most, have opted to shy away from discussing any issues regarding the intimacy deficit my partner and I experience from time to time. It can be hard to listen to your roommates discuss their seemingly vibrant sex lives full of constant new positions and backseat rendezvous while knowing that the sexual dynamic of your relationship does not come as naturally.
But while it’s probably far more appealing to struggle in silence, there are plenty of ways that you and your partner can team up to work on tackling this feat. For your own good, it’s time to retire the perpetual “Will they? Won’t they?” regarding sexy-time initiation. Instead, open yourselves up to earnest conversations that will ultimately strengthen your partnership and leave both of you feeling more sexually fulfilled.
The most necessary step to bridging the gap between you and your partner’s libido levels is communication. I’m sure that at this point, this exhausted advice holds little weight, and I get it — it really is a useless tactic if not practiced properly. With that being said, communicating your personal needs with your partner and addressing the feelings that stem from a lack of physical intimacy is key. For me, I had to be very upfront in admitting that a lack of consistent sex in my relationship made me wonder if my partner even desired me.
This conversation gave way to one essential revelation on each side of my relationship. First, I was finally able to get these concerns off my chest without worrying that I was inadvertently pressuring my partner into sex. Though it is a fine line to toe when expressing your desire for more or less sexual contact — and absolutely must be handled with care — such feelings are a dilemma worth confronting head-on. Second, my partner realized that he had previously been too focused on his own personal needs to notice how his avoidance was making me feel.
Having this open discourse is also likely to give way to another critical breakthrough — understanding the deeper causes that may be affecting each of your sex drives. So often in a relationship, we are obsessed with having flawless, effortless compatibility with our partners, and we forget that both parties are still individual people. With that comes a slew of different hormone levels, perspectives and even medical conditions that may hinder a seamless sex life.
Prioritizing intentional conversations and diversity in our routine has been able to help my partner and me relieve the pressure around sex. I’ve been able to destigmatize the off-nights, and on the on-nights, we’ve found that spicing up our sex life — whether incorporating new locations, fresh lingerie or even a nearby hotel stay — has been increasingly beneficial.
For every issue in every relationship, compromise is the end goal. In tackling libido differences, there will be an inevitable push-and-pull as you learn to balance each others’ preferences. Being able to compromise with your partner occasionally to end the couple-days-too-long dry spell, or to have a Netflix night-in — without the “chill” — is essential to maintaining emotional, as well as physical compatibility in your relationship.
Though it is easy to dwell on the uphill battle that inherently accompanies libido differences, there is also a hidden beauty in getting to foster the emotionally intimate parts of your relationship first and foremost. Disconnecting sex drives are far from uncommon, and by using the right strategies to navigate this hiccup, it doesn’t have to be an issue that recurs time and time again.
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