Editor’s Note: This article is a humor column.
With on-Grounds housing selection completed, students are frantically searching for alternative options. For two weeks, underclassmen had to select available rooms during randomized time slots. However, with the increase in upperclassmen lease renewals, slim pickings were left — gone were the seven-to-eight person Gaston-Ramazani apartments taking up half of central Grounds. Since the University built this massive complex that only holds 300 students, you and many others are now likely faced with lackluster doubles in Lambeth and Bice. If you want to beat the University’s housing system and find a space of your own, you’ll need to think outside the box … which is unfortunately not the 15” by 10” cubby you’ll be calling home.
Since living in a double with a roommate is essentially another year in a first-year style dorm, there is only one way to make it a single and get your freedom — freak out your roommate so much that they transfer rooms.
If you succeed, you’ll have two times the space and none of the burden a roommate can add to your life. Here are the top three guaranteed ways to push anyone past their breaking point.
Undermine Their Self-Confidence As A Roommate
This technique is dependent upon your ability to gaslight everything your roommate does. Scoff when they throw their trash into the recycling bin by accident. Groan when the alarm for their first class goes off at 10 a.m. Yuck their yum every chance you get. In your defense, you might be a jerk, but it cancels out since you’re about to be a jerk with a room all to yourself. This way, you have less of an opportunity to be a jerk to others!
This will work because if there’s one thing that joins the University’s students together, it is the pandemic of low self-esteem that has now become TikTok’s newest disorder of the month, “Imposter Syndrome.” According to the app, it’s only contagious at prestigious universities that just recently curtailed legacy admissions, leading students to the horrible realization that they may not be as qualified as their peers as they once assumed. And, for most of you, your roommate is statistically bound to be one of them due to the 70 percent of the public who have reported being afflicted. For these individuals, it’s hard enough sitting down in a lecture hall next to their accomplished peers. Imagine coming home to find out that you’re even more of a disappointment. It’s like being back at your parent’s house all over again!
Become Their Marriage Pact Match
If you can’t stomach belittling the poor soul, consider doing a 180 by freaking them out through excessive love. To make your roommate so uncomfortable that running away becomes compulsory for maintaining their sanity, you need to awaken some dark sorrows — like the spine-chilling feeling of seeing your Marriage Pact match in the same discussion as you.
This will be a three-step process. First, lure your roommate into a “late-night Marriage Pact fill and spill” where you conveniently convince them to step away from their computer at the last second. Since your bed is already a hop, skip, and jump away, sneak over and start evaluating their responses. Then, answer your own questionnaire in relation to their interests so that the pact algorithm just has to pair you two together. Now, wait for the day of reckoning, before finally liking a public Instagram Reel declaring your secret love. Become the number one person your roommate will not want to see on Grounds. Become their Marriage Pact match.
Just Be Stinky
This one is a bit of a cop-out, but if push comes to shove, consider going old school. Rather than putting in effort to psychologically torture your roommate, you’ll need to use some brawns over brains and ditch the deodorant. You can simply rid the room of them by making the space completely uninhabitable. Leave dirty dishes and laundry scattered about. Never take out the trash so that the unmistakable smell of your lunchtime meal exchange lingers in the confined space forever.
You might be tempted to go above and beyond with being stinky but there is no need since students have reported that the conditions of University housing are disgusting enough on their own. Just mildly avoid cleaning up and the dorms will supply the mold, crappy air conditioning and bugs all by themselves. It certainly won’t be your fault when your roommate gets hospitalized for black mold. Don’t worry, with how small the rooms are it will be easy to clean it all up when they're finally gone!
If you play your cards right, then you won’t only get a single for next year. You will also achieve a reputation that keeps roommates away from you for the rest of your time here at the University.
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