Editor’s note: This article is a humor column.
As my mom whipped her Honda Odyssey into the Central Grounds parking garage and paid a small fortune to park, I took it all in. I was really here. The University of Virginia — my dream school. I had accomplished many achievements in my day — Best Delegate in Model UN in the eighth grade, getting off the bench for the first time ever in varsity tennis on Senior Night and stealing a dusty beer from my parents’ garage for junior prom. But all of my accomplishments paled in comparison to getting into such a prestigious and forward-thinking University. One of the finest in terms of research, sports and social life — according to TikTok. A school with a rich history spanning two centuries — which I didn’t know a lot about, being from Connecticut and having learned of the school on TikTok.
As we walked by the University bookstore and joined the tour group by our meeting location of Peabody Hall, we met our Admissions Intern and tour guide, who introduced herself as Ree Branding. Ree gave her personal background and described how she landed on the University — interestingly, she didn’t apply anywhere else and was apparently planning on leaving the continent had she not gotten in.
She also told us that she was on her third degree — undergraduate, law school and now medical school — because she “couldn’t bear to leave the greatest place on Earth.” I asked her if she had been to Disney World, and she laughed uncomfortably as she took us on our merry way.
A few times, scattered throughout the tour, we would pass by something that seemed significant, like a monument near Pavilion X or posters covering up plaques. Most of the posters said “Don’t ask what this is!” with a small “Big Branding” logo on the bottom. I noticed a large number of them covering the curvy walls between the road and the Lawn, but assumed they had something to do with a construction project.
First, we took a stop by Edgar Allan Poe’s West Range room. As I pressed my face up to the smudged glass, Ree told me all about Poe’s time here — I was shocked to learn that he was the president of seven organizations, spoke at graduation and won a Nobel Peace Prize all while he was a student here. My history classes had never taught me that!
When parents would dare to ask questions about anything remotely historical, Ree stopped in her tracks. A thousand-yard stare would take over her face, and she would nervously look behind her and begin to sweat profusely. When I looked to see who was there, a large Cavalier mascot — the mythical Cav Man? — would dart behind the nearest bush.
We took a stop by the first-year dorms to get a sense of where I would be living next year. As we went through the Gooch-Dillard complex, I noticed a large sign that said something about the University Guide Service. I inched forward to take a look, but Ree dashed over to the sign and physically slammed her body over top of it. “Don’t worry about that!” she said, her eye twitching rapidly as she whipped her head around to look behind her. She slapped another “Don’t ask what this is!” poster on the sign, and we continued on our merry way — strange, since I would have thought Ree would be enthusiastic about tour guides?
I was getting a little peckish after walking 30 minutes back and forth on this god-forsakenly large campus. Just as I had that thought, Ree seemingly heard and swiveled her head 180 degrees, shooting me a sharp glare at my usage of the word “campus” in my own brain. I then wondered for a moment if Big Branding was always watching.
Luckily for me, my prayers for some form of sustenance would be answered. We took a stop by Newcomb Dining Hall, and I got to sample some of the world’s “finest delicacies” as Ree droned on about how the dining halls were the greatest places on Grounds to make new friends and enjoy some of the finest food in the country. We did all have to shell out 26 dollars to eat lunch, as Ree explained the University tour guides didn’t have the kind of budget to be serving us food. According to her, all their money went to “programming” the tour guides to follow their scripts and “reflect the true positive history of the University” — whatever that meant.
Given brief glimpses of U.Va.’s incredible history throughout the tour, I was increasingly curious to learn more. I noticed a separate group of what looked like a different tour across the Lawn, with a guide who looked younger and a lot less stiff, but I decided not to think much of it.
As we approached the Rotunda, I couldn’t help but wonder about the University’s founder, a man I had only really heard of in the throes of my “Hamilton” addiction — Thomas Jefferson.
“Hey, what was the role of Thomas Jefferson here? Did he build all of this himself?” I asked Ree. She answered quickly and somewhat unthinkingly. “Well, he obviously couldn’t have built everything alone…” Suddenly, her face went pale.
Out of a surrounding bush, someone leapt out and tackled Ree to the ground. “NO TALK OF ANYTHING NEGATIVE! THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO LOVE IT HERE! YOU DON’T WANT TO END UP LIKE GUIDES!” they shouted. They then physically dropkicked Ree, and we all watched in horror as she flew in the air over the Rotunda and towards the hospital. The attacker stood up, brushing her official-looking polo and khaki pants off — an outfit identical to Ree’s, including the same plastered-on smile.
“Whoo! That was a close one. Anyways, I’m Ree’s boss, Ms. Information. Ree is gonna have to go back to training so they can fix that little glitch in the programming. I’ll be taking over for the rest of the tour!”
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