Editor’s note: This article is a humor column.
U.Va. students have turned to the drug GlucoSlim, a close relative of Ozempic and known on the streets of Charlottesville as “G-Slim,” to achieve their spring break "beach bods," but a sudden shortage has left many scrambling for replacements. One speculated reason for this increase in demand is a convincing advertisement posted inside the Aquatic and Fitness Center.
As students wait for their everything-free smoothies at The Juice Laundry all they have to look at is a giant poster reading “G-Slim is an all-in-one solution that tricks your brain into telling you you’re full even when you were 800th in line at Einstein's, didn’t get your bagel, and had to go to your 11AM class starving.”
Students have since decided gone are the days of laboring through salads or doing workouts and in are the days of tiny injections that are obviously much healthier.
However, in early February, catastrophe struck when the demand for G-Slim skyrocketed leaving hundreds of U.Va. students without their daily dose of…well, a dose. For many University students, this news came as a shock, but what was even more shocking was the reason for this shortage.
“I found out that if you have something called Type 2 diabetes, Elson Student Health Center just gives you G-Slim from their secret stash,” said third-year College student Thinella Snortson. “I think they were giving those Type 2 kids my doses, like… they don’t need it as much as I do.”
Some students share Snortson’s concerns. However, others like fourth-year Batten student Arthur Nerdington have a different opinion.
“I have asthma and not only do I need an inhaler but I literally have Type 2 diabetes. I went to get my GlucoSlim treatment to literally stay alive and this girl started harassing me for G-Slim and then laughed at my “last season” Nikes.”
Nerdington was further enraged when Cavalier Daily reporters informed him that the shortage was due to the rise in GlucoSlim for “bikini bodies.” As reporters tried to get more comments, Nerdington angrily got up and stormed out of the room with his neon yellow Nikes.
SkinnyLab™, the creators of this drug, have put out a statement regarding their high demand. SkinnyLab™ CEO Slimina McSnatch, a 21 year-old frequent spring breaker and former U.Va. Chi Beta fraternity sweetheart, has shared with the Cavalier Daily what her company is doing to alleviate this shortage.
“Making more,” McSnatch said.
When the paper pressed her for more information, she shared she was late to her CoolScuplting appointment. Nevertheless, her team — consisting of her personal trainer, her nutritionist, and a small army of McIntire School of Commerce interns holding iced lattes — was ready to spring into action.
The interns introduced “Six-Pack Stickers” as a new product and equally viable option that uses state-of-the-art stickiness technology to adhere to users' stomachs. Upon further investigation, it has been found that excessive walking and hilly terrains cause this solution to become ineffective as too much “hip action” loosens the sticker’s grip, thus ruling out 99.999 percent of the University’s student body.
With spring break steadily approaching for Cavaliers all across Grounds, Amtrak and hotel cancellations have been on a rise. Additionally, clothing-related returns at the University Bookstore have skyrocketed as students realize their two-sizes-too-small approach for motivation has in fact failed. On the bright side, Lululemon bike shorts are now selling for 50 percent off.
Tragically, 1515 was raided February 29 and will be shut for cleaning after an anonymous user posted a Yik Yak claiming 1515 baristas were selling G-Slim injections for a discounted rate of $2,000 per milligram.
The closest known substitute for G-Slim, GlucoCrack, has been rumored to leave students in crazy states of frenzy with many unknown side effects. There have been some signs of “beach bod” progress on this drug, however, authorities believe this is due to excessive vomiting from a lack of nutrition and potential organ failure. Additionally, members of recently suspended Chi Beta at U.Va. have come under fire for reports of heavy tweaking, although Brett Grayson, Division I Chiller and Inter-Fraternity Council president, has failed to confirm.
While there still isn’t any increase in GlucoSlim production or a decrease in the shortage, at least gyms across Grounds remain open… mostly. Many spring break plans are crumbling while the Gulf of America, this year’s top beach spot, faces mass vacancies as hospitalized Hoos dream of sipping Asado’s marg pitchers by the Gulf.
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