Editor’s note: This article is a humor column.
All students know that the college experience is a watered down episode of TLC’s Extreme Cheapskates because everyone is attempting to alter their lifestyle to be more frugal. Many are aware of the more basic and traditional techniques for saving money, from microwaveable meals to pirated textbooks. However, upon further investigation, I have found that there is an important category that might actually be silently robbing our tiny pockets blind — transportation around Grounds.
Just last week when the spring weather rolled around, I, like many other University students, was hit with the indescribable urge to finally go to class. However, when I walked down McCormick Road I had an eureka moment. Almost like when Sir Issac Newton was hit on the head with an apple, a collision with someone’s sweaty back forced me to realize we have been going about transportation all wrong. Now, I am no mathematician — you can tell from my calculus grade — but I would say that walking around Grounds took up a significant portion of my time. It eliminated my available hours to take sketchy online surveys to earn free gift cards and procrastinate doing my assignments. Additionally, when I attempted to multitask by looking down at my phone, I became the victim of the University’s next viral YikYak post via embarrassing fall. T-boning another student left me in Student Health with a broken foot and fractured ego.
Apparently, the University isn’t liable for “crashes between screen-addicted students and additional rubberneck activity,” so by this point, I was stuck on crutches and far from welcome on the busy roads. The crowded conditions of the Central Grounds sidewalks are one more increase in the next admitting class away from a bigger stampede. Why else would the University force first-year students to come in with a viable health insurance plan? The administration’s odd and incomprehensible policies are just hints for what we can improve with student self-governance. Especially since they swore an oath to never flat out admit anything is wrong at the University! Therefore, when I was making the trek back to my dorm, over the hill and through the construction by Student Health — since all I got from them was crutches and a copay — I made a commitment to put an end to the debate once and for all by finding the best transportation on Grounds.
I was initially lost on where to begin before a rampage of electric scooters zoomed right through the crosswalk with pedestrians walking. I had been an idiot. Of course, I could not skip past the conglomerate of Veo electric scooters that are scattered about the University. With walking temporarily cut from my repertoire, surely this could be the transportation solution. After getting dismissed by multiple students for stopping them mid-speed-walk to their next class, I was finally able to gather intel on students’ thoughts on the matter. However, there seemed to be mostly disapproval about the use of these fancy Razor scooters.
“If you want to pay to look even more embarrassing carrying your 10-pound backpack,” said my second-year friend Parker Carr when I stopped him by Clark Library, “you can take a Veo.” Since I couldn’t possibly take the embarrassment, it seems I was back to the drawing board.
However, unlike other areas of student life — advising, housing, and dining, to name a few — the University is actually not leaving students alone to deal with the infrastructure issue they created this time. In fact, we have our very own free University Transit Service. As I hobbled onto the Gold Line that leads over to Barracks Road Shopping Center, I felt the bus lurch forward down the street. This automobile was very high tech. I didn't even know a bus could physically go that fast through a busy intersection. The bus drivers were very skilled 20-year-old students, nearly crashing into, but perfectly avoiding, everyone peacefully walking on the crosswalks.
However, most people don’t want to put their life in someone else's hands, so the only other option was to drive myself to and from classes. But, when I came back to my car in the Central Grounds Garage, the University left me a cute orange note forcefully advocating against student parking.
So when I stumbled back to my dorm in defeat, I was wondering if there could ever be a mode of transportation that is cost-effective while still being hip and cool. Nevertheless, when I took to hobbling down the steep stairs right by Newcomb, I had another set of realizations. Firstly, I suspiciously took less ramps this week than I usually do. Apparently, when you actually need accessible pathways, they end up being a bigger detour than taking 10 minutes to get down five flights of stairs. Secondly, what do U.Va. students always strive to be? Good and great. Well nothing is more good, great and unique than riding a unicycle over to your class. Besides, with only one wheel, the unicycle is half the price of a regular bike. And, the shock it will send nearby students into will essentially clear all roads and pathways. This will leave you without traffic and safety risks.
It's a learning curve to take on this new means of going to class, but I can already feel the eyes of jealousy on me. Keep shuffling across the bridge, everyone. I’ll take the high road.
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