Editor’s note: This article is a humor column.
After another exciting and tumultuous season of rush, new members of Greek life looked toward initiation and becoming official members of the organizations they chose to join. However, students couldn’t help but notice a new addition to the University’s slate of Greek fraternities — Delta Nut Sigma, comprised entirely of squirrels.
The inaugural rush season of this new fraternity marks a broader shift in squirrel culture, one that has pushed the rodents to engage in opportunities on Grounds previously available only to students. Following an announcement scratched into an oak tree on the Lawn in November, squirrels rallied to become the fraternities founding members, and structured their rush process similar to that of the human Interfraternity Council.
According to the National Squirrel Journal, the psychology of these animals is predisposed to mimic human behavior, an attribute that is allowing them to understand the intrigue and strange selectivity of University extracurriculars.
“Squeak squeak squeak,” said squirrel Jeffrey Binghamtom, the founder and president of DNut. A transfer from the U.Va. Wise campus in Wise, Virginia, the rodent mentioned looking to create a community in what is often a transient place for squirrels— universities.
During rush in January, Delta Nut Sigma had been able to slip through the cracks and avoid notice due to their house’s small size — a collection of small cardboard boxes taped together under Beta Bridge. As initiation approaches and fraternities hold more social events, students like Ella Gance of the Kappa Zappa Flappa sorority found out about the existence of DNut through a mysterious DoorList invite.
“We got there and were a little surprised when it was a bunch of squirrels, but honestly, they were nicer than a lot of guys here. It kind of sucked that they only played covers of songs by ‘Alvin and the Chipmunks.’” Gance said.
Others involved in the fraternity initiation process, like Omega Mega Chad pledge Logan Broski, have expressed their disconcertment with squirrels pursuing frat pledging as a non-IFC affiliated fraternity. Broski expressed concern for the squirrel’s safety due to hazing allegations from animal rights organizations like PETA.
“Their pledging process has been absolutely nuts, dude,” said Broski. “For OMC, we kinda just run around, drink a lot and yell, but those poor little guys have to stand in the intersection between Carr’s Hill and Shannon Library for like, four hours, and hope that a car or Veo doesn’t hit them.”
The founding of DNut follows a pattern of increased human-like squirrel activity around Grounds.
Squirrel experts at the University have explained that this sort of behavior is not entirely new. Rather, it is part of a long struggle of squirrels’ search for meaning and belonging on Grounds. This explanation was echoed by Dr. Simon C. Munk, a tenured professor of squirrel anthropology who has been studying Virginian tree squirrels for nearly three decades.
“Squirrels are notorious eavesdroppers. In all likelihood, they overheard some first-years talking about free food during rush.” Said Dr. Munk. “Now, squirrels are all over Greek life, and seem to be picking up more habits from students. They’ve gotten into this artificial strain of peanut lately, and the 7 Day Junior cashiers aren’t even carding them anymore.”
Desperate to broaden their connections on Grounds, the squirrels have turned to yet another celebrated aspect of student life at the University — resume-building. After negotiations fell through last spring between the Board of Visitors and the Squirrel Workers’ Guild, squirrels, ousted from work at the University, have had to become more creative in their professional development efforts.
The most successful of these squirrels are those who have tapped into the unshakable power of squirrel self-governance. In the search for new resume lines, one squirrel has even managed to achieve a representative position on the University’s Student Council. With an immense, LinkedIn-based pressure campaign, the squirrel community has advocated for a slew of new policies, ranging from planting more trees on the lawn to adjusting dining options on Grounds.
While the squirrel population has been broadly supportive of these changes, human students have had mixed reactions.
“If I find a single acorn on my plate at Newcomb, I’m going to wring that bushy-tailed fascist like a hand towel,” said Environmental Thought & Practice major and second-year College student Cornelius Scrat. “I have some environmental thoughts I’d like to put into practice, if you catch my drift.”
The University Bushytaily Committee’s squirrel coalition appears to have deep ties to DNut, as they have made efforts to stall hazing investigations and have convinced the Inter-Fraternity Council to waive dues for DNut for the foreseeable future. This special treatment for DNut has, in turn, piqued the interest of many newly accepted young men in the class of 2029 who hope to rush the fraternity next school year. As Delta Nut Sigma continues its meteoric rise, Grounds feel just a bit emptier as more squirrels trade their bushes for Busches.
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