Editor’s note: This article is a humor column
In a Board of Visitors meeting on Monday, the University announced vague plans for a new construction project — a 100-foot tall Egyptian-style obelisk to be built on the Lawn.
“We know that this project will bring prosperity to our growing student body,” said University president Jim Ryan.
This news follows the opening of the Contemplative Commons which takes inspiration from Buddhist practices of mindfulness. A massive $6,666,660 grant pledged by the Freemason Lodge of Charlottesville has been made available for this new obelisk project, another in a line of religiously problematic building.
The Board debated the project details last week with several ideas gaining momentum among its members. Although most concerned additions to the McIntire School of Commerce and potentially renaming the Frank Batten School of Leadership and Public Policy after Henry Kissinger, these ideas lost ground as they did not appropriately exhaust the grant money. The obelisk seemed to be popular within the Board.
“We believe that the construction of an obelisk will provide numerous benefits for both alumni and students,” said Bert Ellis, prominent member of the Board and leading supporter of the obelisk project.
Further, Ellis explained what had originally driven him to the idea, considering his background as one of the most conservative members of the Board.
“The Sun God Ra has spoken to me in a dream,” Ellis said. “He rose above me in a cloud of flame, and when he opened his eagle beak to speak, he told me that this obelisk will bring bountiful harvests … of learning … for many suns to come.”
Ellis then donned a purple robe and a necklace of bones, poured incense on the ground and glided away. As he left, Ellis pushed through several students protesting that the grant money should instead be allocated towards more low-income scholarships.
However, there are many who doubt the use of such a construction project. Specifically, its funding has raised significant concern, as the Freemasons also have a reputation for suspicious works across America.
“I just do not think we should allow special interest groups with ulterior motives to use funding in order to impose values on the student body,” said art student Paint LeTrees. “Just let another radical conservative billionaire alumni donate another building.”
Another concern is the utility of this project to students. Many believe that the student body has been through so much in the last few years, and this money should be spent on something more beneficial.
“I say we should build a huge stone sundial to more accurately celebrate the Winter Solstice and ensure that our sacrifices line up with the optimal time. I have spilled the blood of a lamb five, 10 or even sometimes 15 minutes before the Holy Hour. How am I to garner favor with the All Seer?” said an anonymous Student Council president.
Several other non-religious ideas for the construction project have been suggested but rejected, including bolstering support for the University Children’s Hospital, providing free tuition for first-generation students and building housing for the growing homeless population in Charlottesville.
These concerns and ideas were brought up in the open BOV meeting. In response, Bert Ellis reportedly shot up out of his gem-embroidered throne and demanded that the objectors be removed.
“Oh my passionate brethren, fear not. The doubters will be damned to an eternity of torture and we will earn favor with the Beloved One,” reportedly hissed another member during a closed session.
Mr. Ellis then sat down, demanding the student representative serve him his leg of lamb 30 minutes earlier than usual in an effort to lower his spiking blood pressure.
According to The Jefferson Independent, the obelisk offers a multitude of advantages for the University community. In ancient times, obelisks have been known to allow communities to better predict the rise and fall of the Nile according to the will of the great god Hapi. To a modern zealot, it promises to control the flow of students walking on McCormick Road.
President Ryan articulated this goal in a statement to the press following the announcement of the project.
“May the slow walkers be banished to the depths of the Duat and swallowed by Apophis,” Ryan said.
Obelisks in America are not uncommon — the iconic Washington Monument, a dedication to the work of former president George Washington, also honors his ties to the Freemasons, a secretive organization dedicated to infiltrating and promoting service and morality. However, according to the man we saw yelling at a bush near Boylan Heights, this obelisk does not appease the Sun God, as Ra’s followers no longer pull strings in Washington D.C. politics. Democracy has successfully eliminated all external and malicious attacks on its values.
It seems as though this structure will be built and may bring years of prosperity to Grounds.
Too long has the University existed without a massive obelisk. No more. May a river of blood drown those who do not bow to the Sun God. Or at least those who go to Virginia Tech.
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