When my roommate goes to sleep before I get home for the night, she turns off the “big lights” — the infamous college dorm fluorescents — and turns on my small bedside lamp so that I have a way to see while I get ready for bed. I make sure to do the same for her.
This small, mutual act of consideration represents why we’ve succeeded as first-year roommates where other pairs might have failed. While challenging, the experience has taught me many important lessons that I have applied to my other relationships. Through all of the late-night snack drawer raids, “frat flu” quarantines and hikes up the treacherous Kellogg steps, I’m lucky it’s her I was stuck with.
The process of choosing a roommate was unlike anything I’d ever done before. It could be compared to online dating, except instead of being able to ditch them after the first date, you two may end up sharing a 10- by 15-foot space for an entire school year. Just based on a slide of 10 photos, an Instagram caption, a couple conversations over text and maybe a FaceTime call, I had to make this major decision. Ultimately, I decided to live with my roommate because of our shared love for Maggie Rogers — and then I just hoped for the best.
Living with someone new is inevitably going to be a challenging experience, especially when you’ve only just met in-person. When school started, bringing with it a whirlwind of unpacking and orientation activities, I didn’t really know how to approach my new roommate relationship. What should I ask to get to know her better? Should we talk about a cleaning schedule? Will she be annoyed if I don’t start a conversation every time we’re in the room together?
Like most new roommate pairs, we stuck together during the first week of school, making new friends with some hallmates and exploring Grounds — especially all of the different food spots on Grubhub. By default, my roommate was the person I was closest with at the University. However, the tricky part was that we weren’t actually very close at all.
After a few weeks at school, I realized that we were definitely different people with different routines and lifestyles. She would be in the room much more often than me, while I preferred to get out by myself around Grounds. She would eat later at night and didn’t eat breakfast in the morning, so she would go to the dining hall less. She also went out less than me, and didn’t wake up or go to bed as early. These differences in our routines aligned so that she was — more times than not — in the room when I would walk in.
As an introvert myself, I found it hard to have to come back to a tight, shared space after a long day of meeting new people and being constantly aware of how I was being perceived. To fully function, I need to be able to reset myself and rest without being overly conscious of my external environment which was hard to do with my roommate constantly around.
My craving for space translated to spending more time with other friends that I was meeting, and less with my roommate. I would see my roommate in the morning and again when I came back to my dorm, but the rest of the day was spent with friends from classes or by myself.
Despite setting this distinction for who I spent time with outside of my room, it was still hard to live with a roommate. Unlike some others who thrive with intense companionship, when I was stressed about writing an essay or feeling anxious about a social problem, what I needed was complete solitude so that I could focus on my thinking. When my roommate was in the room with me, I couldn’t do that. Although it wasn't her fault, all her presence did was worsen my frustration and anxiety.
At the University, I’ve learned that there aren’t very many places you can go to be alone. When you walk to class, you pass people. In the library, you sit beside them. When you’re not studying or in class, you feel pressured to be with friends. I didn’t realize the negative effect this was having on me until I went home at the end of first semester, and the burnout hit me.
Now, slowly throughout this semester, I’ve been able to find ways to take time for myself, by myself, like taking walks on the O’Hill trails and sitting outside in secluded spots, such as a stone wall outside Shannon or the lawn outside of Kellogg dorm.
My roommate and I have also learned how to maintain certain boundaries, both spoken and unspoken. Sometimes, this means knowing when the other person goes to bed and wakes up and being respectful of noise and light, like our turning on of the lamps.
We don’t talk to each other all the time, often preferring to go about our time in the room in peaceful silence, but a couple times a week, we’ll both be in the mood to catch up. This dynamic works well for us, and I think it’s healthy that we don’t feel pressured to interact directly with each other all the time.
Another important thing I’ve learned through these experiences with my roommate is being able to separate her from my circumstantial feelings of frustration and anxiety — it’s not fair that I get annoyed when she walks in and says “hi” at 9 p.m. This understanding has spread to how I interact with my other friends, too.
However, I think the most important thing I have learned from living with my first-year roommate is how I am able to and should structure my own healthy routine. College life is completely different from the world I’m used to when living at home — there’s no longer any natural, guaranteed downtime. Luckily, my roommate has indirectly taught me the importance of learning how to carve out my own. Now, I can confidently set boundaries for myself in relationships and am more tuned in to my own feelings, knowing what I need and how to obtain it. These are invaluable lessons, and to her, I’ll always be grateful.
Read More
Africa Day captures the ‘essence’ of African heritage
By Kate Johnson | YesterdaySaturday's sold-out event featured a four-hour program of modeling scenes, dance performances and musical acts in the Newcomb Ballroom.
A guide to the perfect first date
By Anna Stamey | YesterdayHere's my take on the formula you should use to scheme a potentially perfect date.
The University that never sleeps
By Mai Hukuoka | 3 days agoDespite the fact that sleep is a key component of good mental and physical health, many students across schools at the University feel they cannot prioritize sleep above their to-do list.
