Editor’s note: This is a humor column.
With a tumultuous season having come to a close under interim head coach Ron Sanchez, Virginia men’s basketball is at a turning point. After Sanchez’s release, new head coach Ryan Odom’s arrival and ten out of eleven scholarship players entering the transfer portal, Virginia basketball has been a zero-sum game as of late.
New NCAA regulations surrounding NIL and revamped transfer portal rules have turned college basketball on its head, forcing coaches and programs to scramble to remain competitive. But rather than pawning off other schools’ talent, an already financially-strapped University can find talent much closer to Grounds.
1. A Canes Bouncer — Center
Following the loss of players Anthony Robinson and Blake Buchanan, Virginia’s resident “big men” are decidedly out of the building. The solution to the University’s dismal presence in the paint instead lies in the potential of a Canes Bouncer — employed to guarantee no alcohol is brought into its fine establishment Thursday through Saturday, 10 p.m. to 2 a.m. This endurance, size, sheer intimidation and stamina to withstand drunk people questioning why their job exists in the first place makes the Canes Bouncer a perfect candidate for a center position.
2. Gov. Glenn Youngkin — Power Forward
Standing at 6’5” and probably dealing with crippling joint issues, Youngkin’s term might be ending, but his time at Virginia basketball could be just beginning. As a former scholarship player for Rice University, his 82 points and 67 rebounds over his four-year college career are evidence he might be able to make an impact on the team — even if his politics are still wildly unconvincing. With hands that have plenty of experience shooting off texts to Bert Ellis telling him to chill out, Youngkin has the opportunity to be a first-rate ball handler. Might as well make something out of retirement when you’re not saving face at Mar-a-Lago.
3. Brown College Resident Advisor — Point Guard
Usually the smallest player on the court, any Brown College RA is the ideal pick for point guard. Although they lack the size of other players, the “floor general” controls the pace of offense — and there is not one Brown College RA who does not run their floor like the United States Navy. They may be physically depleted from the … minerals in their water and a little too close to the Newcomb vents for comfort, but these hardships make them excellent candidates to boss everyone else around. You don’t work an unpaid, thankless 24/7 job for the University unless you’re a freak for any slight amount of power — and ready to take on the task of replacing Dai Dai Ames, now committed to California.
4. Men who go to sports-centered sorority philanthropy events — Shooting guard
Shooting guards shoot — pretty easy to understand. And in the same manner, any man who finds himself constantly at these deeply philanthropic efforts does the same. Their versatility — from spikeball to basketball — makes them an ideal pickup as role players. They might try to hide it with the typical excuse of a free t-shirt with a 20 dollar ticket purchase, but all who witness their try-hard athleticism and predictably raunchy team names know they are ultimate opportunists for playing eye tag with sorority philanthropy chairs. Following guards Isaac McKneely and Andrew Rohde’s departure from Virginia men’s basketball, all these men need are an open tryout with a roster spot and a gift card to Boylan Heights on the line.
5. Chi Alpha Tablers — Small forward
Don’t let the name fool you — there is nothing small about the presence of ‘Christian Fellowship’ Chi Alpha. From tabling at any admitted student event, to advertising the infamous Mug Party on the sidewalks surrounding every single dorm, Chi Alpha shares a key quality with small forwards — relentlessness. In the same way small forwards are expected to be the jack of all trades on the court, Chi Alpha’s bid to entrap students in Outlook listservs shows an adaptability and perseverance which the program desperately needs. And the best part — unlike other forwards Jacob Cofie and Elijah Saunders who have made their last exit from John Paul Jones Arena, Chi Alpha will never leave. Ever. Who else is going to host bible study on a Friday night?
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