Editor’s note: This article is a humor column.
With the University’s undergraduate admissions cycle coming to a close, the season of Days on the Lawn — glorious days meant to showcase the University’s magic to future Hoos and show off the unfortunate parking situation on Grounds — is on the horizon.
As current University students finally start soaking in the sun and touching some grass, moods all over Grounds are on the rise. This is perfect timing, as the University has recently had a record-breaking competitive admissions cycle and needs to show off how “worth it” committing to the University is to their new esteemed DOTL guests — in other words, you.
As a resident people watcher and former New Hoo, here are five kinds of Lawn-goers you may encounter as an admitted student during your Day on the Lawn.
1. The New Hoo Networkers
At the start of your day, you may come to the Lawn to relax, witness students getting work done or enjoying the spring season. But be careful. The New Hoo Networkers are always on the loose. These students see the Lawn as a business expo, where each person is a potential new connection on LinkedIn. Before coming to the Lawn, you may see these Networkers doing a superman pose in front of Rouss-Robertson Hall — the building with a lot of Z’s on it — to hype themselves up for the next hour of unsolicited advice giving. Be advised — if you are a potential Commerce major and accidently let it slip, the networkers will find you. Here, you may realize that Commerce school applications have been moved to first-year and are on track to be pushed to kindergarten.
2. The Content Cavaliers
University influencers know all the best angles — of the Rotunda — and have mastered the art of photoshop. Typically interns for the University, this common variety of influencers are constantly shooting short videos to secure $1.50 in student wages, always looking for the perfect shot. When you first see them…wait a second. Your eyes might be slightly blinded by the constant flashes, but once they readjust you’ll witness… greatness? You may be slightly confused at first, as these students frequently like to partake in the mannequin challenge while they remain freakishly still to get the perfect candid shots. In fact, if you decide to enroll as a new student for the fall, you may even be featured catch yourself in the background of one of their montages.
3. The Tourists — your future classmates… or their parents
These people are the easiest to spot because they used to be you… or your family. They will typically be in small herds, either way too old or way too young to seem like a student, and will actually stop to read the informational plaques around the Lawn. Usually, I would recommend steering clear and avoiding Newcomb dining hall when the tourist population on Grounds rises, but as a guest of Days on the Lawn, you can’t exactly count yourself out.
4. The “Athletes”
As I am sure you have heard, Virginia Athletics is winning..ish, and this spirit is alive in students all across Grounds. Many of these everyday athletes will be seen on the Lawn typically sprinting by you at a moderately slow to slow pace. Whether it is tossing a frisbee around, throwing a football or some other activity that doesn’t require a field, the “Athletes” will have done or be doing it. However, watch out — within this group, you will find a lot of students that could have gone D1 but got “injured.” As a result, you may get hit with a ball or bulldozed, as these injuries are apparently chronic and cause a life-long lack of any athletic talent whatsoever.
5. The People Watchers
Have you ever felt like someone is watching you, but when you look around, you don’t see anything out of the ordinary? To be fair, most students will be too stressed with finals to wonder why you’re standing so awkwardly on South Lawn. BUT, when it comes to the People Watchers, you will be able to tell. As they observe everything going on around them — their opps, their friend’s opps, random people they saw once and didn’t like, the failed situationships, the random opps again — you will see their thumbs furiously typing away on their phones. Now, don’t be alarmed. The majority of these texts end up going to group chats where no conversation is carried past three minutes.
P.S. If you see something interesting on Grounds, drop it in the University-specific Yik Yak to give the People Watcher community some more material.
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