Editor’s note: This article is a Humor column
Since its soft opening last August, the Contemplative Sciences Center has been available to students as a resource. This study space, located near McCormick Road ‘old’ dorms, opens 7 a.m. to 7 p.m. Monday-Thursday. This makes it a favorable place to not attend Microeconomics, or that ENWR class you probably hate. And on Fridays, it closes at 5 p.m — making it an optimal study spot for anyone who needs an excuse to get to Trin early.
With a contemporary flair, the Commons is refreshingly modern against that unsightly Jeffersonian architecture that tyrannizes Grounds. The $67.1 million building is home to some very large windows, an outdoor patio and a questionable ‘abstract’ painting on the first floor. It’s also… empty.
So if you’ve ever wondered what this big, mysterious and strangely vacant structure really adds to your academic or spiritual experience, then you aren’t alone. 77.78 percent of surveyed University undergraduates rate the center as “kind of cool, I guess,” per a recent Housing and Residence Life survey that totally everyone took. But many students still aren’t sure how they can use this fancypants to their advantage. Hence, I will now propose the top five ways to be productive at the Contemplative Commons.
1. Fall asleep in front of the giant iPad screen
If you’ve ever identified as a grownup “iPad kid,” this is the place for you. Don’t be embarrassed! The University had screenagers just like you in mind. So, if you’re tired of doom scrolling or being a YikYak troll, you should take an opportunity to dissociate as you stare mindlessly at the 24-foot-tall high-definition LED-display screen on the ground floor. There’s even a couch to lie on, so you’re free to become hypnotized by the rainforest and ocean visuals and disassociate to sea turtles swimming. After all, there’s nothing more relaxing than observing nature, indoors, via pre-recorded footage. Even better, it requires less effort than swiping on Candy Crush.
2. Contemplate your mistakes inside the art installation
The Commons is the best spot on Grounds to embrace existential dread—and after a long weekend you can’t quite remember, you’re full of it. Fear not, because the University knew exactly what students like you would need to recover on a Monday. The proposed remedy to students’ wallowing in regret is the dark, mysterious room on the ground floor. Here, you can listen to ominous music that plays on a loop and really CONTEMPLATE your mistakes. You might be wondering “why did I text my ex-situationship?” Or, “how did I tumble so far down the Trin stairs?” Regardless, this is the perfect spot to sit and wait for answers. Look closely! The moving lights might be code for something. Just kidding. They’re not.
3. Fraternize with student workers
If the silence starts getting to you, it’s time to find the only signs of life in the Commons. Search for the first-floor receptionist and try to first get a sense of if they're really doing work on that laptop, or just contemplating it. Further, tell them to put their homework aside and contemplate some bigger questions, such as, “Really, why close at 5 p.m.?” Or, “Why is access to the second floor locked?” Or maybe, “What does Maggie Rogers have to do with this, and why did she get an award?” They may or may not answer these questions. Then again, some conversation might be welcome after a long day of quiet and idleness. On that note — talk super loud! Your voice will echo through the vast space that vaguely resembles Dakota Johnson’s Los Angeles home sans limes.
4. Swim laps in the Dell pond
Since there’s not much left inside the building, you should try touching some grass. Even better, touch water! Conveniently enough, the Dell pond is adjacent to the Commons. Let your peers on the patio watch as you exercise free will to the fullest extent and become rejuvenated as you baptize yourself in the murky freshwater. You might get chastised or told to get out by staff. But contemplative sciences means self-discovery, perseverance! So, just keep swimming! When they say, “Ma’am, please do not go in the water,” simply respond, “Why is it there then?”
5. Nothing.
The Commons is the perfect place to relax and rejuvenate, so why be productive? Stare aimlessly into space, or see if you can spot the opps on Emmet Street. Or, if you feel so inclined, even take that MacBook out of your bag and open it. Find peace in knowing that, maybe sometime in the next four hours, you just might do something useful!
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