Editor’s note: This article is a humor column.
Tuesday, the University announced a new policy calling for a 50 percent reduction in employment. It will take effect for the 2025-26 school year, placing a strict quota on new hires to student employee positions, including all “office sirens.” In reaction to this change, many students fear even longer Grubhub wait times, which, at Chick-fil-A, could surpass four hours if understaffed.
The driving force behind these changes is the University’s new Department of Utmost Measurable Bestness, or DUMB, headed by Dr. Elaine Muss, executive director of the Great and Good Talent Career Center.
“It’s become clear that University operations are largely inefficient, and plagued with underqualified, senseless, simpering simpletons,” Muss said. “This is neither great nor good. We need serious institutional reform.”
DUMB’s creation and development has been largely sponsored by President Jim Ryan, who hopes the competitiveness and pre-existing prestige of many University jobs will increase. Ryan watched a YouTube video narrated by Andrew Tate which described recent, wide-scale federal government layoffs as improving efficiency and vibes, inspiring Ryan’s recent decision.
So far, student jobs have been the primary target, and the first to face budget cuts.
“We’re really cracking down on those disappointing and ungrateful student hires.” Ryan said. “The hope is that DUMB can raise employment standards for those unremarkable students who currently plague University gyms, libraries and the University Bookstore.”
Muss has largely championed the reduction of student workers, condemning their frequent “sitting around” at desk jobs and finishing late homework assignments. She believes that many are taking advantage of federal work-study, becoming spoiled off the minimum student wage they earn out of the University’s $14.2 billion endowment.
“Take, for example, the Aquatic and Fitness Center,” Muss said, referencing the front desk that is manned solely by students.“Are they really scanning ID cards at maximum efficiency? And for 12 whole dollars an hour…”
There have, in fact, been several reports of general slowness and extreme ID-card fumbling. Inn Pagence, self-proclaimed ‘gym mouse’ and first-year in the college, reported dissatisfaction with the AFC staff.
“I highkey don’t work out that often. But one time I went, and I saw first-hand the poor work ethic behind that desk.” Pagence said. “This guy took a whole three seconds to notice me, and a whole five to scan the barcode. I turned around and left immediately.”
Other gym goers have reported excessive slouching in the rolling chairs, laughing and lollygagging around.
“They just aren’t dialed in.” Jim Lunk, second-year Commerce student, said. “These hires have a really disgusting level of whimsy and joy — they think they can just slack off on the job.”
In response to some similar complaints from across the University, the DUMB executive board issued a statement last week regarding potentially under-qualified and overly frivolous student hires, announcing their goal to eliminate sub-par Clem 1 receptionists and Saxby’s baristas.
Vice-top-president-executive Karyn Bott stated that the University’s recently terminated Diversity, Equity and Inclusion policies have been largely to blame.
“Many student workers are being scrutinized because their natural talents — rooted in unchangeable aspects of their identities, of course — are currently misplaced,” Bott said. “We’ve received reports of shredded, 5-foot-6 frat bros making chai lattes, and unathletic Drama students managing North Grounds gym. What’s going on?”
But students aren’t the only employees facing scrutiny. Some professors, particularly in the College, fear potential layoffs, though Muss insists that the only targets are those handing out ‘friggin packets’ and speaking in a monotone voice.
However, significant cuts are planned for the Department of Economics, putting those professors at risk. Strangely, the McIntire School of Commerce, whose course of study draws from foundational economic concepts, seems to have more DUMB approval, and will potentially recieve grants next fall.
ECON 3100 Professor Dolla LeMarket has serious concerns. “It’s extremely unfair. We’re aware many students treat us as an alternative if they aren’t accepted to McIntire, but it’s a clear double standard. Under DUMB, everything has to be application based — just let students declare majors on DocuSign!”
Yet the DUMB executive board dismisses the possibility of harming students. Instead, proponents of the DUMB agenda continually insist that these cuts will help students streamline and elevate their education.
“Economics?” Bott said. “They trickle down. Reagan already figured this one out — time to move on.”
DUMB remains insistent that the University must make whatever cuts necessary to meet the 50 percent mark, even if extreme. Muss’ most controversial targets so far have been two University icons – CavMan and Ms. Kathy.
“There’s been speculation that CavMan is actually a Chinese communist spy. Or worse, ugly. If we’re going to have a mascot, he must be looksmaxxing in and out of costume.”
Meanwhile, Ms. Kathy told The Cavalier Daily that she’s received threatening emails from Muss.
“She told me I’m too rude,” Kathy said between greeting students as they walked into Newcomb Dining Hall.
Despite criticism from students and faculty, particularly those fond of Miss Kathy, DUMB has remained persistent, striving for unprecedented structural changes. Ryan, for instance, has taken a strong liking to the number 50.
“It’s the perfect percentage by which to slice employment. You slice it in half, like a bagel. But you cut it with one of those big bagel slicers like at O’Hill — it’s very efficient. probably the most efficient we’ve ever seen. Then you have the best half of a bagel in all of history, you’ll never find a better bagel than this one…”
It is unclear whether bagels will stay in the budget for next August. But there’s always toast and SunButter!
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