Editor’s note: This article is a humor column.
In an effort to solve the University's lack-of-gambling issue, President Jim Ryan alongside the Board of Visitors worked hard to construct a Flex Dollar casino last week. This casino, having been built in the middle of Mad Bowl, has already attracted thousands of students and made the University $200,000 of Flex-profit, all of which is either reinvested in the project or added to Ryan’s personal Flex-salary.
Students all across Grounds have been turning up at the casino to increase their Flex-capital, or to get out of Flex-debt from excess printing costs or Newcomb Chick-Fil-A orders. The casino, stretching hundreds of floors, gives an intense variety of gambling opportunities, from Flex-slot machines to full Flex-poker tables.
Students aim to go in for five minutes in order to afford a few more weeks of Bento Sushi bowls, but they unknowingly stay in the casino for hours on end. Classes across Grounds have been held empty due to the entire student body — and faculty — day-gambling instead. As one student, Moneybagz Mickerson said, “I’ll do anything for a little extra Flexnancial security.”
Upon entering the casino, students are prompted to scan in using their student ID. With this system, the most degenerate student gamblers are recognized, and small teams of University staff members, such as librarians and dining hall chefs, coordinate to make the most Flex-money off of them as possible.
For example, third-year Engineering student Barton Weegleston, who had checked into the Flex Dollar casino over 20 times in the past two days was marked by the university as a “Level 7 Spender.” The University then worked to capitalize on him by sending people disguised as his closest friends and confidants.
One University staff member, convincingly disguised as his girlfriend, reportedly said to him, “You know Barton, I’ve decided I don’t want to love you anymore until you have enough Flex Dollars to support a Flex-family.”
This led Barton to sell his apartment for 20,000 Flex Dollars, only to lose it all playing Flex-Blackjack. He was last seen somewhere in the sewers around Grounds.
Another student who has lost all their Flex Dollars to the casino has turned to a life of Flex-crime. This student, who prefers to remain anonymous to avoid life in Flex-prison, has confessed to making their living off of stealing from other students. They do this by very politely asking to borrow somebody’s ID card, and then proceeding to memorise their number, hack into their account, take their money and then jump up and down screaming, “I tricked you! I stole your money! Ha! You’re such a stupid stupid idiot! You have been tricked and fooled! By me! Stealing your money!” and then run away cackling.
To assist with the money loss, the University has plans to open options for investing Flex Dollars in new University related stocks. Students can now become official partial owners of their favorite dorms, dining halls and professors. They can also invest in the University’s new official cryptocurrency— $ryan.
As the widespread Flex-gambling craze spreads across Grounds, the entire University culture is shifting. Classes are focusing solely on learning gambling techniques — the University Bookstore noonly books on Flex-investment advice, and President Ryan has taken on a full “finance bro” personality. It’s a gambler’s school now — the only winners are the wealthy and the only wealthy are the winners.
Now please, excuse me — just by writing this article, I’m losing precious time at Flex-roulette. Good luck out there.
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