Leaked — U.Va. begins new faculty training in intimidation and unhelpfulness
Editor’s note: This article is a humor column.
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Editor’s note: This article is a humor column.
After Virginia baseball’s opening regional game in which it narrowly defeated Pennsylvania by a score of 4-2, the Cavaliers (42-15, 18-12 ACC) were back in action Saturday in the winner’s bracket against Mississippi State. Virginia was very efficient with its pitching Friday, giving them ample bullpen arms for its matchup with the Bulldogs (39-22, 17-13 SEC). Despite playing from behind for several innings Saturday, timely hitting late in the game propelled the Cavaliers to a 5-4 win.
Virginia football is at a crucial crossroads. Coach Tony Elliott has gone a frustrating 6-16 as head coach. His teams have looked solid at times, only to crater to unbelievable lows, as seen in blowout losses to Virginia Tech and Maryland last season. Despite posting only three wins in his second campaign, improvement was slowly demonstrated — namely in a historic victory at then-No.10 North Carolina. Elliott must turn this marginal improvement into significant progress in the win column if he is to keep his job, and if the Cavaliers can win the feasible games, a significant turnaround could be in store.
The University agreed Friday to a $9 million settlement to victims and families of victims of the Nov. 13, 2022 shooting that killed three students and injured two others. According to reporting done by the Associated Press, the University will pay $2 million to each of the families of the three killed students —- football players Lavel Davis Jr., D’Sean Perry and Devin Chandler. The AP also reported that the University will pay a combined $3 million to Mike Hollins, former Virginia Football player, and fourth-year Commerce student Marlee Morgan, both of whom were injured in the shooting.
After earning the No. 12 overall seed in the 2024 NCAA Tournament, Virginia baseball hosted Pennsylvania in the first game of the Charlottesville Regional at Disharoon Park Friday afternoon. The Cavaliers (42-15, 18-12 ACC) arrived fresh off an early exit from the ACC Tournament in pool play, while the Quakers (24-24, 11-10 Ivy League) secured a berth in the NCAA Tournament by way of a miracle conference championship run. While Virginia failed to produce to its typically high offensive standards, the Cavaliers were rock solid on the mound and secured an understated 4-2 victory.
Connecticut men’s basketball recently completed an utterly dominant two-year stretch. Between the 2022-23 and 2023-24 campaigns, the Huskies won two National Championships, a Big East Regular Season title, a Big East Tournament title and racked up 12 double-digit victories in 12 NCAA Tournament games. Many would consider that the most accomplished two-season stretch in the college game this century, and there is certainly a case to be made. But that leaves out a program that may have achieved even more — Virginia men’s basketball in 2017-18 and 2018-19.
Beginning last Friday in Carlsbad, Calif., the Cavaliers embarked on a journey that is fortunately all too familiar for this year’s team — a second straight National Championship appearance. If they wanted to reach the mountaintop of an NCAA title, however, they would first have to take down the course for four rounds to even get into the match play portion of the tournament. Virginia was able to make it to the match play quarterfinals, but unfortunately their season ended there with a loss to Auburn.
After unprecedented success in the regular season, Virginia softball exited the NCAA Regionals May 19, ending a remarkable run in the NCAA Tournament for the first time since 2010. Sophomore pitcher Eden Bigham and sophomore infielder Jade Hylton stood out in 2024, earning All-ACC First Team selections and carrying the load for the Cavaliers (34-20, 15-9 ACC). While both players have multiple years of eligibility remaining, it remains to be seen if the roster around them will improve. Virginia’s season left a lot to be desired offensively, but despite the team’s persistent need for additional firepower in the lineup, the Cavaliers are not far off from contending for the ACC title in the coming seasons.
Virginia baseball has earned the No 12. seed in the 2024 NCAA Tournament and the privilege of hosting the Charlottesville Regional as the No. 1 seed in the region. The Cavaliers (41-15, 18-12 ACC) will face off against Pennsylvania in the regional opener Friday at noon. The Quakers (24-23, 11-10 Ivy) will come to Charlottesville as the No. 4 seed in the regional alongside No. 2 seed Mississippi State and No. 3 seed St. John’s. This weekend, Cavalier fans can expect to see a strong, reliable offensive effort headed by junior infielder Griff O’Ferrall, junior utility player Ethan Anderson and sophomore outfielder Harrison Didawick.
Summer practices will soon begin for Virginia football, and it is still unknown which quarterback will start for the Cavaliers in the fall. Sophomore Anthony Colandrea and graduate student Tony Muskett split time for Virginia last season, and a compelling case can be made for either player moving forward.
The University Judiciary Committee processed 24 cases between Jan. 1 and May 8, including three organizational cases and 21 cases against students, per its Spring 2024 Data Report. There are 21 additional cases currently pending — three against organizations and 18 against students.
In a surprise release preceded by less than a week’s worth of promotion, Long Beach, Calif. rapper Vince Staples returned to the rap scene’s center stage with his sixth studio album, “Dark Times,” May 24.
The summer of Glen Powell has begun. A star a long time in the making, the actor has seen a meteoric rise in fame in the wake of 2022’s “Top Gun: Maverick.” Since then, he has jumped head-first into the leading man capacity, cementing his well-deserved celebrity by starring in several films, including as the eponymous contract killer in “Hit Man.”
Last week saw Virginia track and field travel to Lexington, Ky. from Wednesday to Saturday to compete in the NCAA East Regional. Many Cavaliers were seeking to punch their tickets to the NCAA Outdoor Track and Field Championships, which are set to be held in Eugene, Ore. June 5 to June 8.
In 2023, Virginia was the national champion. This year, it lost in the ACC Championships and failed to advance to the NCAA Semifinals. However, despite an underwhelming finish this season, the future is incredibly bright for Virginia men’s tennis. The team has plenty of returning talent that will be complemented by a stellar class of incoming recruits.
After the festivities of Final Exercises, Class of 2024 alumni Abby Dyer and Rohan van Heyningen are already anticipating new adventures on their next hiking trails. The two alumni frequented Shenandoah National Park's trails as University students, and as they prepare for postgraduate hiking adventures, they reflect on how trekking up mountains bonded them with peers and nature during college.
A frenetic start transformed rapidly into a mundane blowout, with the Maryland lead inching larger and their faceoff dominance wreaking destruction, making the Virginia offense stutter. Time leached away, and when it finally ran out it cemented a 12-6 victory Saturday for the No. 7 seed Terrapins (11-5, 3-2 Big Ten) over the No. 6 seed Cavaliers (12-6, 1-3 ACC) in a disappointment of an NCAA Tournament semifinal.
In the first week of postseason play, Virginia faced Georgia Tech and Florida State in Charlotte, N.C. in the pool play stage of the ACC Tournament. Fresh off the back of a weekend sweep of Virginia Tech, the fourth-seeded Cavaliers (41-15, 18-12 ACC) defeated the ninth-seeded Yellow Jackets (31-23, 15-15 ACC) before falling to the fifth-seeded Seminoles (41-14, 17-12 ACC) and ending their run in the tournament.
At the University, greatness is expected. Many have praised the championship pedigree of women’s swim and dive or men’s lacrosse, but another team deserves its time in the spotlight. The Virginia club polo team has quietly been one of the nation’s very best programs and a prominent leader in the sport. Coming off of their 11th national championship victory in April, the Cavaliers have proven time and time again that with all the pressure in the world, they will still deliver.
Virginia was traveling home from its NCAA Tournament quarterfinal win Sunday when a minor commotion emanated from somewhere on the bus. Most of the bus’s occupants likely were relaxed, basking in the glow of a stirring double-overtime triumph, perhaps tending a couple of bruises. Graduate attackman Jack Boyden could have also relaxed, but he directed his attention, for the moment, to something entirely different. A different lacrosse team was gunning, like Virginia, to return to championship weekend.