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Bayless Parsley

Big time Ballard

By Bayless Parsley | April 20, 2006

Dear Jesus: Thanks, man/Son of God. You just had to resurrect on that exact Sunday in Jeru-salem, didn't you? While you later got to skip town and fly away home to the real Zion, your decision to ditch Tomb Arimathea on the third day -- rather than the second, or the fourth -- created some real problems for me last Sunday in Charlottesville. Mike Ballard, a long-time friend and Humphreys First Left hallmate from four years ago, throws the first no-hitter by a U.Va.

The real fresh prince

By Bayless Parsley | April 6, 2006

We've got royalty among us, a monarch-to-be who has been eluding detection from under our very noses for nearly four years. And I bet its news to you. "I knew about John Grisham's kid," you're thinking.

Gus Burgers

By Bayless Parsley | March 23, 2006

Coach Bayless" -- from now until my final departure in May, that is what you can call me. I won't answer to anything else. For the third year in a row, Central Little League has provided me with a three-month license of authority, and I intend to squeeze out every last drop. Back when I was playing third instead of coaching it, I swore to myself that when I grew up, I would never become "that guy" who lives vicariously through his kids -- and technically, I've stayed true to my vow. All that means is that I have become "that guy" who lives vicariously through other people's kids. At this age, I'm lucky that I can still spin my behavior off as "youthful enthusiasm." If I acted like this and had a child of my own on the team, people would probably worry that I had fallen prey to the classic delusion of the Little League dad: That the size of your member varies in direct proportion with your son's batting average. Coaching 8-to-11 year olds these past few years has done wonders for my ego.

Why Katie should marry Tom

By Bayless Parsley | March 2, 2006

Will someone please slap some sense into the women in my family? I've given up -- they just won't listen to me. Arranged marriages are making a comeback in 2006, and I'm trying to keep the Parsley girls on the cutting edge.

Florida State easily takes Virginia in Seminole victory

By Bayless Parsley | February 20, 2006

TALLAHASSEE, FL -- If Virginia (13-10, 6-6 ACC) is going to sneak into the NCAA Tournament, the margin for error is getting smaller by the day. The Cavaliers were out-played and out-hustled Saturday afternoon in a resounding 76-62 loss at Florida State (16-7, 6-6). The Seminoles took the lead 25 seconds in and never gave it up, giving Virginia its fourth consecutive ACC road loss. Florida State "set the tone very early," Virginia coach Dave Leitao said.

Gingerbread nation

By Bayless Parsley | February 16, 2006

The words immediately caught my eye when I entered the room. It wasn't a penetrating gaze -- just the kind of casual head-swivel you throw in the direction of a tinted car window to check your reflection.

The State of the Union is above 0.08

By Bayless Parsley | February 2, 2006

Anyone catch the State of the Union Address Tuesday night on channel ... everything? By now, it's yesterday's yesterday's news -- but Dubya likes the word "freedom." We've known that for years, of course, which is why I was sure the new game created by my roommate would be too perfect. Whether it was during my ever-so brief tenure as a fraternity (de)pledge, or just while hanging around an Everglades campsite during Spring Break with no electricity, a bottle of tequila and a deck of cards, I've always been averse to being forced to drink.

Mediocre November play hampers Virginia

By Bayless Parsley | November 30, 2005

The month of November is when a college football team looks within and reveals its true colors. Thanksgiving time marks the end of a long season for the fans and an even longer one for the players and coaches -- what seemingly starts in August really begins in January if you pay attention to the action behind the scenes. Off-season weights and conditioning, rehabbing from injuries, staying fresh with spring practice and learning the playbook for the upcoming season are all things that do not make the front page between the New Year and the dog days of summer. But whether you watch from the stands or call in plays from the sidelines, the regular season culminates in November.

Mount St. Bob

By Bayless Parsley | November 17, 2005

Disclaimer: The following story contains a graphic description of bodily juices.My dad, The Bob, has been living a lie for far too long.

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